Lost in love

So I met this guy…  He’s sexy as hell, funny, young at heart, he’s 8 years older than I am. When I first met him I thought no way, he has a funny hair cut but he makes me laugh and he’s unnervingly honest with me, a bit hung up on his ex… But it took me 7 years to get over my ex, I wasn’t dating people mostly just having casual dates… So we had a second date and I really had a good time. He reminded me of my ex a little but not really, more like in the sense that he was a good person and didn’t have a crap ton of baggage…

Well, here we are 10 months later… Over the last 6 months, he’s become distant, I said I love you first but he eventually said it back, and even tho I thought it was just a reaction when he said it first, I pegged him as a guy that never said anything without meaning it… Boy I really need to listen to my gut more.

Let’s start with our sex life, at first it was all hot and heavy and amazing, for the first three months we had it made. He was so different than I’m used to, I haven’t really had much experience in the fun sex department but I have my own fantasies and it seemed like he hit that itch and then some…

After about 3 months it died down, he met the family and my kid. Normal, the honeymoon period was winding down… But it felt like more than that, my kid would go to her aunt’s for an overnight and he wouldn’t touch me at all… I’m a single mom and over nights for my kid is very unusual, she’s with me 24/7/365… This was the time where we could really have fun in the bedroom or all over the house but I got nothing…

For some reason with him I feel like I can’t be my usual self around him, I don’t want to get rejected if I try and initiate intimacy with him… I haven’t unpacked that yet…

So normally I spend the 3 days he has off work with him gardening and reading together, cooking playing with my kid… We get along great, he is trying to turn my black thumbs green, and I’m actually enjoying it. But there has always been this feeling like he’s holding me at arm’s reach, won’t let me in. Doesn’t really talk about his family, I’ve never met any of them to date. He says he just had a crappy child hood. I never wanted to push it…

For the past few months since this COVID stuff has been going on, he and my sister decided to remodel her house, like a big remodel. So every weekend we were there doing that. My sister and I have a huge history that is explosive if I’m not careful but I smile and stick it out with her for my niece, I had custody of her for 5 years, long story… I tolerate my sister, I don’t agree with her choices in life but if it means getting to see my niece and watch out for her I try and take the high road… But I don’t trust my sister at all when it comes to boyfriends…

So the entire time we were helping her I felt like I did nothing right when I would try and help them, my boyfriend would make comments like I was inept to do anything… I’m not there best with measurements and math and doing construction… But it was definitely putting strain on our relationship…

We wrapped that project up a few weeks ago and now his dad isn’t doing good in the health department and is progressively getting worse for the past year, I think his dad is giving up and my boyfriend thinks so too.

So about two weeks ago he says to me that I don’t even make him happy anymore, he is depressed because his dad and apparently his mom (whom I knew nothing about, only that she wasn’t around) died within a week of his birthday and he thinks his dad will too… His birthday is August 25th… And tells me that his ex broke up with him around his birthday. He said also that he just wants to be alone from everything, work, the bike shop, all people… Not what’s best for him right now but I try and respect that as best I can. He told me that he wants to break up with me but because I’m a good person knows it’ll be a mistake in a few weeks when he’s not depressed. So I’ve been giving him his distance, he’s come over twice, once to drop off fresh tomatoes from the garden and the other time to bring me peach tea because he knows I love them.

So within the last week or so, he isn’t talking to me at all let alone seeing me… I went to see him and he was at the bike shop where he volunteers, I got to see him an hour before he escorted me out because they were getting ready to open. So I left and went to his place to tidy up so that he didn’t have to deal with it when he got home. While there I noticed all my things were hidden under a comforter on the dresser, I was fuming… I sat down to write him a note and bumped his computer and his email was open and one of the read emails was from an adult website that is for casual hookups…  I texted him and told him that we need to talk, he called me immediately and I asked about my stuff missing, he told me that it’s there it’s just hard to see it because he knows I’m hurting because of him….

Ok maybe he’s being honest but that website… WTH!

So I went out of town for my cousins bridal shower, which he was supposed to go with me but decided he didn’t want to go because he doesn’t like crowds, which he is a hermit and has a lot on his plate but still sucks with everything going on and this “break” He doesn’t check in with me at all, I was gone for two days and he knew I went alone with my kid whose 7.

So I get back home and text him that he needs to be home the next day that I was coming over to talk about the adult website, which I went on and found his profile. It was unnerving to say the least and I was so mad at him…   So I unload on him about hiding my stuff and not checking in with me at all after he asked how my weekend was. Then he tells me that the  break is actually a break from me… He needs to figure out if he loves me and if he wants a future with me. Not the reasons I had originally thought… Then I brought up the adult website and told him it’s bull and that there are two deal breakers for me, lying and cheating… He deleted his profile and I know he could have 20 others but I always give the benefit of the doubt… He’s always been honest with me when I ask him about stuff, he says he hasn’t had sex with anyone else since we started dating, actually said that he can’t talk to people on the site because he doesn’t pay for it and that it’s useless…. And from what I’ve gathered on the profile he stated that on there… But I learned a lot about him from the profile and it’s intimidating and also has me questioning our lack of intimacy…

I’m so confused, part of me thinks that I just need to cut all ties, I deserve better and this is a lot of baggage. The other thought I’m having is that he needs someone to not leave him and stick it out, because I truly think he has abandonment issues and needs someone to fight for him… I’m strong and stubborn and I love this man and the thought of losing him I can’t even entertain. I don’t cry at all unless I’m pissed, and trust me I wish I could just stay mad at him it would be easier… But I miss him like there is a piece missing when I can’t talk to him or see him… I’ve never had problems walking away from a relationship that was bad for me, but I have no appetite and I’m sleeping a lot… I try and get it of the house for my kid and have play dates but I’m miserable… I can’t tell you how many times she’s come up to me and hugged me and told me she loves me daily because I such at pretending I’m ok…

Am I crazy for thinking that once he is feeling better and has time to think he’ll come around? And this could last months….

I don’t want my kid to suffer losing him either, I try and be careful with her feelings and guys I get involved with, we even had this conversation before he met her…

It’s funny she asked me why I can’t find her a dad, like I could just order one on Amazon…. She loves him and I thought he loved her, hell I think thought he loved me… I don’t know how I could be so completely wrong…