Saturday

 This was kinda supposed to be my day to rebound.  I knew coming in I would only work about 4 hours today because as soon as I hit 40 hours, they’re like "Go home."  And I’m cool with that.  I simply didn’t have another battle left in me right now.  Like Napoleon in 1814 (and I just spent 20 minutes on wikipedia reading about the Six Days campaign; I get completely lost in thought like that sometimes), I’m simply nonequipped to fight anymore.  I was hoping for it to be productive, however it went kinda like this,

10:00am Got home

11:00am: Random internet stuff

12:30pm Woke up from apparently passing out

1:30 pm After watching a soccer game (Premier League is back!), got lunch

2:30 pm More random Internet stuff

3:30 pm Fell back asleep against my volition FOR THE SECOND TIME TODAY

5:30 pm Woke up

6:30 pm Actually got up

7:30 Finally got ready to work out

The jog was good today.  I like exploring the streets and neighborhoods.  Sometimes its calming, and sometimes not so much.  But it is nice to do something I KNOW is good for me.  Especially considering all the stuff I do that is COMPLETELY bad for me.  

The downside of the unscheduled naps was I missed out on watching a movie with my friend, which now makes it three times this week I cancelled plans with various people for somewhat selfish reasons.  I may be clinically depressed and I may need to see a doctor for this. That realization actually helped me make it through work today, so I know there is some truth to it.  

I finished a painting.  The one that I showed in my last entry.  It’s meant for a friend, Sara.  That story is complex.  The abridged version would be to say she is what it is to be possibly in love or just really crazy for one of your best friends, and not only that, but one of only two or three of my friends who is ALWAYS there for you and genuinely cares about my wellbeing.  Honestly, it isn’t something I’m all that accustomed to in my life.  Most of my friendships I have significant barriers built up because of shyness and not letting people in.  Sara helped me as much as or maybe more than anyone in helping me during my divorce, which as a mutual friend (and probably moreso a friend of my ex-wife than of myself initially) means perhaps more than the couple of good friends that were exclusively mine and would have been expected to console me.  I think a TON of that support became misconstrued in my mind as more than friendship love, and for awhile, we had a connection, but after somewhat kinda seeing if we were something more (without any kissing or anything physical), she decided we weren’t and it’s been a balancing act ever since.  When everything I see relating to her work or an interest of hers makes me feel sad, I wonder if it’s worth being friends.  I can’t bear the thought of her leaving my life though; she’s put up with a lot from me, more than she ever deserved, and handled it with grace and class.  And I owe her grace and class in return.  Some days though, I wonder, even if she might be irreplaceable for a long long time, if it’s all worth it.

Not the whole story, mind you of why I feel the way I feel right now, that story will probably wait until tomorrow.  The straw that broke my back for sure.

I’ve slowly drank everything in my fridge that has alcohol in it tonight.  I SHOULD NOT be drinking this much right now.  Yet I am.

The best part of today was when working out, my cat, Rocco, decided to use my chest as his couch while I was resting from doing sit-ups.  He was very affectionate today; it’s been awhile since he felt like that.  I need to pay him more attention.  That cat deserves it.