Counterattack

 Some days, it just hits me.  My fears and insecurities just burst out right when I thought I may have begun to finally corral them.  The reason I have a hard time seeing movies with happy endings.  Sometimes, they are triggers.  Sometimes, simply life is the trigger.  It’s not something I can avoid, outside of barricading myself in this apartment and burying myself in a history book all day.  Like Trish told me, "until you can find the happiness you refer to, it is damn near impossible to be happy for someone else"

The question I now ask myself is, "Does that make me a terrible friend?  A terrible person?"

 

 

The last time I was truly just….happy?  Maybe 2010.  Maybe the 2nd trip to the beach in 2011.  The last time it was sustained happiness, over a period of months?  2008?  2009?

 

Maybe I’m just being harsh on myself.  I haven’t set any records here.

The things that make me happy?  Like truly, truly happy?  I can’t do alone.

 

And I miss them every day, even if I don’t miss the one I did them with.

 

 

Things I need to tell my friends:

1. There is a difference between saying you care and showing it.  I’ve had enough of the former.  Are you capable of the latter?

2. If not, should be still be friends?

 

Sometimes I imagine, if I were to just disappear from Facebook and texting and life in general, who would notice?  I’ve been tempted a handful of times, just to find out.  But I couldn’t devastate what’s left of my heart for a dumb experiment.

 

My soul knows how to take a pounding and survive.

But if survival is the goal, do I really have anything to celebrate?  Aren’t I capable of so much more?

 

And yet………….I know things are turning up.

It’s not easy.  For an eternal pessimist, thinking positive is NOT easy.

But I’m tired of letting people down.  I can’t do it again.

That’s the stress I live with on my shoulders.

It’s a blip.  

A half day lost, but a half day left to win.