08/23/2013

My friend is moving and wanted me to deliver some empty boxes, since with my job, I have access to a perpetual supply of boxes available. I decided to be a little selfish, but also though it was a legitimate question, and was not really interested in going anywhere after the week of work I had, and texted why I needed to drive over and deliver something that she needed. She replied that if it bothered me to drive over there, that she could pick them up from me. And it isn’t that she lives far (only 10 minutes with no traffic), but I was expressing the principle of it. People don’t bring things I need to me. I have to get them. So meet me halfway and come get the boxes. Fair enough? Or being petty? And honestly, I had a very difficult time figuring out if she was upset, sarcastic, or understanding. I think honestly, she was more surprised that I was basically telling her I didn’t feel like delivering them right now.  I’m used to bending over backwards for my friends, but today, notsomuch.

I wondered where the fine line of being a good friend and respecting my legitimate need to rest is and where I stood on it at that point.  Do my friends now expect me to bend over backwards and do anything for them?  Because, usually yes, and I am usually happy to do so.  But where’s the line drawn that I’m being taken advantage of exactly?  This was my concern, not over some silly boxes, but in the larger context.

I’m very expressive with certain things, but my friends are often completely in the dark in the more mundane details of my feelings or thoughts or actions. As in, they are often are surprised when I tell them how I feel. I mean, Sara was surprised when I told her I was kinda upset with her, and then I realized, you know, I made that somewhat clear to many people, and clear as day to myself, but never to her. And I do this all the time. This is why I wouldn’t be surprised if I had Asperger’s. I just kind of assume others know how I feel, even if I have absolutely no clue a lot of times how others feel. I have difficulty expressing emotions oftentimes. I’m not your typical unfeeling “I don’t want to share my feelings” guy.

Oh no. Not at all.

Emotions are like a bolt of lightning in the sky of my life. They may not take up much space in the whole canvas of the night, but my eye is drawn immediately to them. And the way I express them is beautiful yet mysterious and dangerous at the same time. And like summer lightning in Texas, it doesn’t happen often enough, but when it does, it usually comes fierce.

I need to continue working on writing something. Another instance of taking the long winding road of trying to express thoughts that are probably better served just being direct with.

I’m probably going to cuddle up with a crossword puzzle and some music tonight though.