sigh. *EDIT*

what would you really like to do?

pr asked me this, yesterday morning, as we were lounging naked on his couch. my mind, as it always does, went blank.

i m just not used to people asking me what I want.. in fact, i may have even convinced myself its irrelevant.

i guess i d like to not hate myself, for a day or two.

myself and G had an argument again. as per usual, i m not entirely sure what it was about, other than the fact that he was moaning about the house that i d gotten him a room in, no thanks to himself.
he has a history of abuse.
i have a history of abuse.
mine is more recent.
but i dont go around pulling the victim card like he does.

look, i know this is bitter and twisted stuff and i hate it all, so i m sorry for subjecting you to it, but
none of it makes sense….
and since i cant talk about it with anyone, it never will

i confessed to my mother i was living in a squat the other day. on mothers day. shit. i ruined mothers day.
she s worried.
i didnt mention that i ve been living in squats for 3 years now.
i just said it was a home, and the people were good people.

its not enough.

i have come to the conclusion that the only way to deal with G now is to handle him with kid gloves, since that is obviously what he would prefer. that pisses me off though, because its like a nail in the coffin of our friendship.

Silver Boy sent me a message on the full moon.. a nice message. it was weird because, only the night before, i d had this urge to get in touch with him, but decided to leave it up to him.
24 hours later….
did i do that? did i manifest something, by the light of the moon?
so i wrote back that i d only just been thinking about him…
and we arranged to meet 5 days later…
which he cancelled, on the day, saying he had to go stay with his dad, as ‘life is tough right now’
yep. tell me about it. but then, why do i think he s not being honest with me?
he got in touch again this morning. fell down a staircase on saturday. pretty banged up.
his birthday is on thursday. he invited me over. of course i ll go.
i m an idiot.

Oz sent me a message from Finisterre, Gallicia: wish you were here. oh god, so do i.

———————————————————————————————————————————————-

This is a horrible entry. I should have thought twice before i posted it.
G just offended me because I m the one who got him the room in Rehab and I felt all he was doing was complaining about it, so it was like a slap in the face of my efforts.
Again.
But we ve sorted it out. Kind of. We always do.

In other news, some junkies broke into the boiler room of Rehab and stole about £100 worth of copper pipes. Not having water has been a pain in the ass but they also managed to damage the gas in the process and the leaking gas nearly caused an explosion. We barricaded the door but they have tried to get in again twice. The second time they managed to get another pipe through a hole – but heres the killer – they had to have been helped by someone in the house.
So theres a bit of evidence pointing to one guy- who I like lots, unfortunately- whose habit I had never noticed before but now hes quite clearly coming down off the junk, eyes like pinpricks.
G was saying that also sometimes these guys try to make a house unsquattable so that they can turn it into a crack den.
I guess we ve just got to confront him before anything else goes missing.
Unconcerned by the lack of running water, some of the guys threw a party in the house over the weekend, so all the toilets are now worthy of bio-hazard status.

Me, G and Dean have been looking for a new place.