plaintive confession of rampant egohood.

 

‘From beginningless time, without end, I have roamed through cyclic existence –
Led astray by the momentum of my mistaken past actions and improper past behaviour,
I have mistaken the path, and become lost on the path.
I regret with powerful remorse the negative past actions I have committed, of any kind.
Drawn by the momentum of momentary yet violently resonant past acts,
I have sunk into this ocean of suffering, the sea of cyclic existence.
The fires of blazing hatred have unabatingly seared my mind,
The dense darkness of delusion has blinded my discriminative awareness,
The ocean coasts of desire have drowned my consciousness,
The mountain of fierce pride has entombed me in the lower existences,
The cruel whirlwind of envy has sucked me into these turning worlds,
Where, entwined by the tight knot of egocentricity,
I have fallen into the pit of desire, this chasm of blazing fires.
Unbearably brutal misery has poured down on me like heavy rain.
Damaged by such extreme and unbearable suffering,
Seared by the blazing ferocious fires of my negative past actions,
The shoots of my consciousness and sense faculties have been blunted.
If my body, this illusory aggregate, can no longer withstand,
How can you bear this, O Compassionate Lord of Loving Kindness?’

 

From : The Tibetan Book of The Dead

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This book has been useful in the last few weeks while discussing suicidal ideation with a friend of mine. As has Albert Camus’ ‘The Myth of Sisyphus’, but my friend has borrowed that, so I cant quote from it right now 😉

The Moon. Today and tomorrow. The waxing huge and horribly unavoidable Capricorn moon. The quantum entanglement of two souls who dont know how to let go, and a visit to The Whispering Knights. Bo-ann, the cow goddess, sputtering across The Milky Way, The High King and Setanta hitting his sliotar down the throat of the overarching dog. Is Bear the Irish Medicine Man really Orpheus descended to the Underworld, to rescue his Eurydice, is he Ormus Cama, is he Ursa Major?

Was the universe composed in a minor key?

Who knows who he will be when he wakes up again. I for sure am no Vina Divina. I am no superstar in this age of confession. I have fallen into the pit of desire, and I loved every moment.

I caught myself out on a lie there.

Friday night at The Britannia International, whatever you do, dont notice the girl with the pink hair. Sit in your whirlpool jacuzzi and dont let her suck you in –

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‘Obscured fool that I am, burdened by the most negative, evil past acts,
Propelled by the momentum of these past actions,
I have taken birth as the personification of rampant egohood within this world system of desire.
I regret having taken such birth, and am dismayed by my past acts!
Yet, regardless of my regret and my dismay, past actions cannot be remade.
The momentum of past actions is as strong as a river’s inexorable flow,
So how can the mighty river of past actions be reversed in a mere moment?

Though I have continued endlessly in a cycle of births and deaths,
Throughout the three-world systems,
The actions that I have committed have been pointless and unproductive.
Yet, from amongst all these many countless births,
The actions committed in the course of just a single lifetime
Could have been worthwhile if only I had trained well,
Pursued the path of unsurpassed enlightenment,
And thus attained the genuine final nirvana’

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Ursa Major saw a spoonful of ego as a good thing, it is self after all, he says, we cannot escape it, and he was turned into The Ladle. The Plough, breaking the back of the Earth, man’s mastery of soil, stupid hairless apes. The Running Fox turns on its tail and runs to its own earth, vixens heavy with cub, you better shoulder that weight, samurai.

 

I m not letting you in yet. But I want to.

 

Listening to : ‘Warariansa’, Afro Cuban All Stars