15oct.

things still coming together – like a greenstick fracture – x arrives, fresh and smarting from an eviction – the third this week – with so much stuff that she just leaves willynilly absolutely everywhere – and her friend Coni, a German girl who drinks a weird energy drink called black – but they all head out early and muggins here is left squatsitting again for the day – fucksake, and i wanted to go get laid – G calls over but is in a weird confrontational mood he seems annoyed that we have not asked for help, and wonders out loud about getting a room here – but he s already annoyed with Dean and mother forgive me i have misgivings – like keseys bus the place picks up colour, x puts up an icon of the virgin mary and i bring a fiery tapestry that p has just brought back from south america – and my guitar, happy days, spend most of the day singing into the acoustics and recording some stuff – i found a cheetah-print rug beside the bins at chrisp street market last night – and a mop, although its a bit redundant with still no water –

p wants me to love him but i cant handle it, not only because he s 71 – and i still havent managed to reply to v – who apologises for complicating matters – the year of love grows sterile – i ve got my intimacy issues all wrong – trombone rings me to pick my brain about bicycles, haha, but.. i dont know how to explain it, i drift away, i m nearly done, i m giving up on this one, trying to worm myself out of love, out of love – because i know i m fooling myself and he will never want me in all my distressing entirety – he only wants to meet my girlfriends – this bearded 21yr old City boy gets in touch online and likes my poetry – but i can tell he s not my type – p gives out about a friend who starts a conversation:’now i m not racist but…’ and then p himself tells this story about a blackboy who stole a bicycle, says ‘they bring it upon themselves’…sigh… the mark of cain, as according to hesse, according to camus, the notched bedpost makes a dandy backscratcher but leaves a nasty dent in the forehead, purity, truth, honour, bollocks –   

my room, my own room finally, all my own, will have a banjaxed fridge freezer in the corner, as a surface and a closet – we build the table in the living room out of two fridges with a door on top – the rubber female bust sitting on top from the beauty college grows a tiger nose, wields a bosch drill – truffle pigs –