to fear or not to fear…

Ok well I guess it’s time for an update. So where to start. Well I Jim has been over here from the morning of Friday the 17th until Tuesday morning the 21st. I got sick on Sunday night (digestive thing you don’t want to know the details) and I was in excruciating pain all night from Sunday to Monday morning. On Monday morning I went to the doctor’s and Jim came along and I got an injection and pain meds and stuff. We couldn’t do what I had planned for us on Monday during the day of course but I pulled it all together to be able to go to my big surprise even that I had planned for Jim on Monday night which was a classical concert with Sir Simon Rattle as the conductor. Of course when Jim read the description his eyes lit up and he really thought it was a great surprise and seemed very grateful to me for being so thoughtful and so on. I enjoyed the concert too I have to say. It was my first classical concert and I wasn’t sure if I was going to like it but I have to say I really enjoyed it. Although I still prefer Opera.

So now the not so nice things… Jim was a little distant to me over the last few days… in fact… quite distant. Now you have to imagine that it went from an email a day and dozens of cute “I love you” texts to … “yes, no, maybe” responses to my questions. I was shocked… I cried… I didn’t know what was going on and got really really upset. I thought maybe I did something to put him off me while he was here or something… I was in bits… on Sunday morning I sent him a short email sorta saying: “have a nice day my darling and if it means anything or not know I love you”. I didn’t hear anything from him all day. I bawled my eyes out in the evening and literally mourned his loss cos the only explanation I could see is that, for some reason, he wasn’t in love with me anymore. Now… he wrote me an apology email on Monday morning (my Monday morning his Sunday night) saying he’s sorry for having been aloof over the last few days and explaining that he has been feeling really down, doesn’t know what’s wrong, doesn’t have any energy, walks around like Zombie etc. he said he does miss me and love me but he just feels down etc etc.
Now it’s a few days later and he is still down. Yesterday he went to the cinema (it was sorta my idea. I didn’t suggest it to him but I sorta said: I think I might go to the cinema tomorrow and he thought it was a good idea and so he went) and afterwards he exercised and he said that gave him more energy and made him feel a bit better. So I am hoping he is getting back to normal now. I think he is just a little burnt out and depressed. I hope it’ll pass soon. I have no experience with dealing with depressed people but I think I am doing everything right. I am telling him I love him, treat him normal, tell him I am here if he wants to talk and basically give him space beyond that… I think that’s all I can do but if y’all have any advice let me know guys…
Now… that all seems rather sensible of me doesn’t it? But in the back of my mind I am still afraid that it IS actually me and that he doesn’t want me anymore and that he’s just sorta “putting this on” to make me leave or something…. So he doesn’t have to be the one leaving… I know that’s crazy isn’t it???? But just goes to show you how f*cked up I am from previous experiences… I just wish I could be there for him now… the distance is killing me… 64 days until I see him again just is so depressing…. 🙁
Anyway… no other news… just waiting for my baby to feel better and fearing that I am losing him…