Personal Boundaries…

So my counsellor asked me to write about boundaries… so… here is what I wrote…

How Wikipedia describes personal boundaries:
Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for him- or herself what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave around him or her and how he or she will respond when someone steps outside those limits
‘Personal boundaries define you as an individual. They are statements of what you will or won’t do, what you like and don’t like…how close someone can get to you’
Well… I am meant to write about boundaries… my boundaries or what they mean to me… well…
Elizabeth Gilbert in her fabulous book Eat Pray Love had a great way to write about boundaries and that’s actually something that I could have written… if I would be as well versed as dear Liz that is of course. I do not have the book at hand at the moment as I lend it to a friend but I am currently listening to it as an audio book again and the quote goes something like this:
If I love you you can have everything, my love, my dog, my money, my dog’s money and so on. She describes how she completely gives herself fully to the other person and disappears into them. For me it is the same, when I am in love with someone they can have all of me. I move for them to the end of the world, I change what I eat, how I dress, what my interests are… all to please them and to fit into their lives.
I am realizing more and more that I don’t really know who I am or, more importantly, what I actually like. The only thing I know that I like are computer games. But I have no idea what I am interested in. I mean… let me put it this way right… all my life I seem to have picked up things other people liked and made them “mine”. I started smoking at the age of 10 or 11 because this guy I liked smoked. Then at around 11 again I met this girl called Sabrina who became my best friend. She was into NKOTB so naturally I became a fan too. At the age of 12 I then became a Take That fan cos my cousin and then best friend was into them so naturally I immersed myself into the world of a Take that fan. And don’t get me wrong I think I really liked those guys n’all… but would have been as much of a fan if it wasn’t for her… I mean I naturally always felt more drawn to more rock and punk type music… Oasis, NOFX and that kind of stuff…
So that whole pattern then continued when I was dating. I don’t remember much from when I was a kid but I started dating when I was about 10 or 11 and it has really always been the same I’d say. I pick up their hobbies and interests and think they are mine. For example when I dated Amy my girlfriend at 18/19 I got obsessed with Ireland cos she was, when I dated Dermot at age 24 I started learning guitar cos he played guitar and all that just continued on.
So now I am 31 and I really don’t know what I like… beside the computer games. But I feel that I am a really boring person. Why would someone ever love me? An ex of mine called me an empty shell once… charming… but maybe he is right?! But all I really want is to be loved and be in love… I want to be a caring partner… that’s my biggest ambition. And yes I will want to then also pursue my own personal growth but at the end of the day what I really want is to be in a loving relationship…
However, through all the pain that is currently being inflicted on me by Jonathan I am starting to get really pissed off. The thing is that it’s his actions that hurt me… I mean… how to put this… I don’t think he wants to hurt me intentionally… but I cannot stop his actions (basically him ignoring me but responding in conversing with other people) from hurting me to the core. I just don’t understand why he is doing this to me. If he wants me to just leave him alone why does he not just come out and say it??? Why this weird behaviour??? I don’t get it!!!!
But anyway… it’s all starting to piss me off now. Yes I am pissed off with him for treating me like this but whatever… he’ll have his reasons for doing this and I have to accept that… but who I am really pissed off with is ME!!!!
All I want is to be HAPPY you know?! Is that too much to ask? I wish there was a way for me to be happy that is independent of whether some guy acknowledges my existence or not! I wish I could find SOMETHING that will just make me feel complete without the need of external approval… not from a guy, not from a friend… not from a parent… cos everything I am doing I do to please one of those individuals… can there not just be something that I like to do? That makes ME happy without me doing it to impress or please someone else? I wish I could find this one thing… or number of things… that will make me feel like this…. Maybe dancing… I always liked to dance… and I feel very happy when I do dance… so maybe that’s the key… I want to try new things and keep trying new things until I find a hobby that makes me feel this completeness or at least helps me feel like this… I don’t want another person to be my scratching post for my unfulfilled emotional needs anymore… I want to be able to give myself the love and affection I need so that when I do meet someone again they can love a fulfilled and happy Nadine with her own hobby who doesn’t NEED them to be there but just wants them to share her life…..
That’s the dream….