Happy effing new year….

So Massi broke up with me on xmas eve… chatting on Skype…. I don’t want to get into that story now. Just know that I spend the holidays in bed… crying on and off…

Sorry I am a bit tipsy writing this so excuse me….  just back from a New Years eve gettogether.

tonight is new years even and i spent it at my friend (and ex’s) place. Mark’s place. His friend Eric was there too. Pretty sexy guy from Nicaragua. He walked me home and we talked about relationships. Turns out he was also not looking for something serious. We were just having a chat you know… nothing would have happened either way.

But I am wondering…. do men and women just genuinely want different things? Do women want love and romance and great sex and passion…. and do men just want sex? And maybe once the super model comes along…. they want to be with her steady….

I don’t know…. I am seriously crushed at the moment. Once again I gave my all….. I am awesome in bed ( I am…. honestly I am not just saying this), I am kind…. SO kind…. I am Charlotte from sex and the city kind…. I would do anything for him… well within reason of course…. but yeah I am not Barbie…… maybe that’s my problem… that I am not suuuuuper pretty or something…. I don’t know…. I am seriously wondering why no one falls in love with me…… is it "too easy"? Is there… not enough of a chase? I am open with my feelings and if I like someone and care about someone I will show it to them… by not being clingly. I am not. I give them freedom but when we are alone I give them all the attiention in the world…… cos they are my man…..

So…. it can’t be that I am not "doing enough"…….. is it my looks? Is it cos I have a gap between my teeth, they’re not sparkling white, my breast aren’t huge and have different sizes, I burp when I ate too much and say the eff word more than once a day…… am I too coarse maybe? Or simply not pretty enough to be interesting???  But I am like that from the start…. I am not hiding my true personality and still they are all into me in the beginning…. so… what is it that makes a man fall for me? Seriously……. is it something I can "fix"? Or is it something I just need to accept and live with?

I don’t know…….. I know it’s nothign to do with doing it all and trying it all. Cos one either IS into a person or one IS NOT… and I know all that bullshit about being "an individual" and that "everyone is different" etc…. but…. why am I such an unlovable individual? What am I doing wrong? What makes men fall in love with women????

I have no idea…. Happy New Year everybody.

Here pictures of me from tonight. I dyed my hair this morning and it turned out a little too dark… it’s ok… just a bit dark… what you think? And yes they were taken with my brand new iPhone 4 that I got for myself as my very own xmas present to myself… 🙂