No Words Necessary (i)

Finally.

It’s been a good day.

This is where I wanted to be. The best, healthiest place for not only me, but for Us. I hope you’re happy to hear that, so hold it close for awhile, because this is going to be the last novella about Susan for a very long time.

I’ve remarked before how innate it is to me to express myself via phrase and metaphor. This has been a creative and emotional experiment that took on a life of its own. It features some of my best writing, and some of my most unrefined. It’s time for it to draw to a close, however, for both my benefit and Susan’s. Thus, this is the final hurrah, the entry-to-end-entries.

So, enjoy this. It will be long, but it’s conclusive. It’s the last time you’re going to be involved in our conversations, privy to our intricacies, witness to our gyrations. Future updates will be much more circumspect, and certainly not as in-depth.

I will simply begin.

Act the First: Lunch

Today was Tuesday. I was in a fairly good place mentally, but I obviously knew this was Conversation Day. The morning went well, and things were fairly typical. Sure enough, we were scheduled for lunch together again.

We had a fine morning, with a minimum of awkwardness, but when we left for lunch, THIS stepped in front of us again. We both knew what we were going to talk about. She asked if there was anything I had to say, and if so, I should say it, since it took her a half hour to warm up. I made the diesel engine comparison, saying that it took her forever to get going, but once she did, she was good for hours.

I really only had two things I wanted to know.

Sunday, she’d called me before my shift, letting me know that she’d told Raina about our situation. I didn’t get the whole story, because she purposefully called before I had to leave so that we wouldn’t get embroiled in a long conversation. I suspected this at the time, and she confirmed it.  Essentially, Raina asked her about me, and Susan answered that yes, we’d been spending a lot of time together. Like, a LOT. She said I’d broached the topic with her, and that we’d decided to not email, call, or hang out with each other alone so as not to confuse the issue. Raina offered to chaperone, which once again made us grimace. Susan’s well aware of the irony of our chaperoning ourselves by only hanging together in a group, but we don’t need to be watched, we’re two goddamn adults, thanks for the offer, go away. Ahem. She wasn’t as open with Raina about her own emotional investment, which was to be expected, of course. I wasn’t the reason for the breakup, and Susan knows that, but others won’t perceive it that way, and we’d both rather really not have a cloud of misperception hanging over us.

I mentioned as well that I’d told Amy everything. We hadn’t worked together in a month, so she’d missed essentially everything that happened, but she wasn’t surprised. "I saw this coming," she said. "Every time you talked about her." She said that she loved hearing me talk about Susan, because everything I felt was so evident in my words and comments, and that it was wonderful to see a man who was able to express himself like that. Well, shucks. I truly appreciated that.

That was one thing. The second is more in-depth.

Ever since I wrote the part in Uphill Climb about my inference of Susan’s actions/thoughts, I’ve wondered how close I was to the truth. I was pretty confident in it, if you take "pretty confident" to mean that during my good moods, I believed it fully, and during my bad moods, I worried I was being a complete fool.  I didn’t think it was something that I could broach with her, but I compromised with myself. I said, ok. I’m going to write it, post it, and if she’s still reading my OD, she’ll see it.

I’m a private individual, an admission which may surprise anyone reading this. Avoiding secrets is difficult for someone like me. I’m neither trusting nor open with people in my everyday life. I’ve talked about this compartmentalization before. I like that I can choose when to talk to people, that I can keep everyone at arm’s length, and though I certainly wish I had another person around to hang out with regularly when things go to shit, in general I’m pretty comfortable with the way I live my life. On a daily basis, I see zero people who know what goes on in my head, and the only people I see regularly that do are Heather and Susan. (Amy knows what goes on in my life, but we don’t hang outside of work so see each other more rarely.) No problem. Works for me.

However, keeping my inference "secret" seemed counterproductive, and wrong. I’ve always been passive-aggressive, a trait I dislike because I’ve worked hard to evolve out of that. I wanted her to know my perception of her actions and our potential future (or lack thereof). Thus, the Other Question I Needed Answered was simply that: Had she been reading my OD?

She hadn’t mentioned it, except for one stray comment about making inferences about her and putting words in her mouth. I knew I just had to strap it on and ask. Fuck being coy.

("Being coy is ok," she said later. "A girl can play hard to get."
Yeah, I admit I like that about her. Which I shouldn’t tell her.)

The answer, as I suspected/hoped, was yes. She’d been pretty good at keeping a low profile, but she’s read everything I’ve written. This relieved me more than I expected, and we talked around things a bit more. We started talking about our strengths and weaknesses. Or rather, I did. She just encouraged me to talk; I’m definitely the wheel-greaser, the more proactive one when it comes to this aspect of our relationship. That’s a strength, as is my honesty, devotion, sincerity, courage, and treating her with care and respect. Yay me. However, I have no shortage of weaknesses. I’m arrogant. I take liberties based on assumption. I’m heavy-handed at times when I should use more tact. I avoid confrontation. 

I don’t know if she buys the last one. The one I didn’t say, which is patently obvious, is my obsessiveness. That covers pretty much everything, from my perfectionism to my analytical nature. I tend to view people holistically; you are who you are, and whatever trait you have that gives you your benefits typically gives you your drawbacks as well. Stubbornness and obsessiveness benefit me in a number of ways–q.v. devotion and my work ethic and ability to accomplish difficult things. But, while I’ve largely learned how to mitigate the negatives as I’ve gotten older, it’s definitely a detriment when it comes to situations that involve uncertainty or stagnancy. Both cause stress that I attempt to alleviate. I want clarity and progression in my life, in all areas. I hate the uncertain, and I hate being without options or avenues for growth. That’s one reason work has been so frustrating overall, because I was stagnant for so long that it drove me nuts. I need to grow, I need to evolve, I need to become more than I am. Better than I am. I do what needs to be done to get to where I want to be.

Her strengths are obvious. Proactive, positive, optimistic, capable, intelligent, loyal, caring, generous. However, she definitely has her weaknesses. One is that she places an extremely high priority on her image, that need for perfection that we both share. Susan of a Thousand Faces. She’s successful at it, and I theorized that she hides away because she’s not confident that people will accept her how she is.  I’m pretty intimate with that dynamic myself, and said to her, "I’ll venture saying that I’m a hell of a lot more comfortable expressing my emotions than you are."  She chuckled.  I’m willing to be vulnerable and take risks emotionally. She’s not quite as able or willing to do that, and this whole emotional openness thing is pretty new to her. It’s a little scary.

She also hates people knowing her. She wants to be perfect, but not predictable. She wants to be adored and respected, but control her own destiny. If people know you, they have expectations. Expectations create pressure. Pressure creates stress, and fear. She’s a pretty low-stress individual, because, well, she’s pretty damn awesome–but she doesn’t like that.

She works very hard to keep people out, and does it with élan. About the worst thing most people will be able to say about her is that she’s a little self-centered, and shit, I view that as attractive. Something else I probably shouldn’t tell her.

I don’t like people knowing me either, but I have my neon sign proclaiming "I heart Susan". She has one, too, but it’s more subtle. I see it. Occasionally, our friends see it, though I think neither of us realized that. We broadcast things we don’t intend to.  A sweet moment that she shared with me was Sunday at the movie theater. I’d gone to the restroom before going in the theater, partially because I didn’t want to pressure Susan to sit by me. I was like, ok, I’ll just see where I end up, I don’t want her to feel weird. Susan said that Raina went in to sit down first, and then Susan waited for Meghan to move past her to sit. Meghan gestured for Susan to, then paused, and said, "Oh, you want to sit by Michael?" Susan replied, "Yeah…"

That melted me a bit. It’s the little things. I talked about the things I was missing about her, and yes, she misses me too.

"Many people would give up many things to have a little of what we have," I told her.

I asked, "What did you think about what I wrote?"
"No comment," she replied, and I knew that was all I was going to get from her. "Are you disappointed?" I shook my head. "No, that’s about what I expected." Sometimes, I think she half-expects me to be a much lesser man. Gimme some credit here. I know what no comment means.

There was a turning point in our conversation towards the end. Sure enough, around the 30-minute mark, she had finally hit cruising speed, and she began to talk. I heard the undercurrent of frustration in her voice, and we hit a lull and just stared at each other for a few moments. 

"So what else is going on?" she asked. "Do we have anything but THIS?"

That really struck me. Because yes, we do.

I lowered my head, and thought for a bit, then looked at her, gazing directly in her eyes, as I try to do as much as I can, not merely because they’re enrapturing, but because that’s where we both see truth. I thanked her for her patience with me. This surprised her, and she indicated that I’m the one being incredibly patient with her. Well, yes, I agreed, I am patient. But I’m not helping the cause by always being in relationship mode. And I realize that. She’s been very good about my need to figure this shit out.

I reinforced that my greatest fear was doing wrong, and she understood what I meant. I’ve said it a thousand times, what I care about is that at the end of the tunnel, there’s a Susanandmichaelville.  "That’s why Tuesdays are important to me. I give you six days a week, you give me one. That’s a fair deal."

We realized the time was getting late–of course, right as we were reaching a rather pivotal point, because she and I are nothing if not gradual–and as we prepared to leave, she gave me a key bit of insight.
 
"No expectations. I don’t do well with expectations." Or pressure.

I understood.

On the way back, we continued talking about things openly. She mentioned that my OD actually helps her not cheat on our time apart, because she knows if she does then everyone will know about it. I found this amusing, but wanted to (of course) clarify.

"It’s not about expectation," I said, pausing for a few seconds. "I just don’t think you’re stupid."  I thought I might leave it at that, and was initially going to keep my mouth shut. But I can’t resist a curious Susan.

"I don’t think you’re stupid. I don’t think for one second that anything you’ve said to me, done with me, shared with me, was false in any way. I don’t think you’re stupid enough to think it was. I don’t think you’re stupid enough to think that what we stumbled into is something that is common and can be found with just anyone."

I paused. "AND…" I was trying to figure out where I was going with this.

She waited. "And? That’s it? Just and?"

I said it again. "AND.." Ok, I figured it out.

We smirked.

"I don’t think you’re stupid enough to throw away something beautiful. AND.."

I waited a bit longer this time, just fucking with her.

"My fear is that you, out of pure stubbornness, muleheadedness, and willfulness, will let something slip by. Because that’s how you are. You don’t want to be penciled into something, you don’t like having things decided for you, you don’t want to think you don’t have options or a choice in the matter. I just ask one thing. Whatever happens, let it happen naturally. Don’t put any artificial blocks between us."

That seemed to sink in. I told her that I know her, and I’m not right in my guesses all of the time, but I’m right about 92% of the time, and always on the important things. And that what she probably hates most about me is that I know her, and that she knows I know her, and it drives her nuts, but that really, it’s a good thing.

"AND", I said. "You know what we are?"
She looked at me, knowing what was coming, so I obliged. "Fine."
"Fine," she said.
And we walked back into work, and the world reformed around us.

She was off desk for a couple of hours, and I sat there and I thought. For a long time. Later in the day, we were together on the desk again, and our short talk had seemed to lighten things a bit. She was more relaxed again. Really, considering she usually becomes more relaxed after she’s talked about her emotions, it’s always amusing to me that she resists it so much. I know she has a bad memory, but it’s like she forgets that it’s really pretty nice in Openland.

One of our favorite teens came in and was talking about potential movies to be shown at our programs. Susan loves the kid; he’s totally her type if she decides she wants to date a 16-year-old. I think he’s great, too, as he’s a fellow movie buff, full of great ideas, and we’vehad some fun conversations the last couple of weeks. We were talking about our favorite movies, and I listed The Breakfast Club, Shawshank Redemption, and Moulin Rouge. I forgot to mention Fight Club and When Harry Met Sally, now that I think about it. Then he mentioned another great one, Children of Men. Ah, I love that film. It’s dystopian and brilliant, though the movie is clearly not for everyone. I found it extremely thought-provoking, and the last half hour is simply brilliant, particularly this long fluid shot that is some of the best filmmaking I’ve seen. He and I raved about it for awhile, and Susan placed it on hold.

He asked if I’d seen Ed Wood, which I’ve wanted to see but never got around to it; it’s one of those movies that I hear about and then say, "Yeah, I should.." and then forget about. Guess what–we’re in a library, we can put stuff on hold instantly. Susan did just that.

After he left, I said, "When Ed Wood comes in, let me know. I’d like to see it." She seemed amenable to that, and I thought of something else. "And Buffy Season Two, as well, because that’s my favorite season, because it’s when Spike arrives in town." I knew I’d be disappointed if she didn’t invite me over to watch at least part of it. "It’s innocuous," I said. She fixed me with a look. "I think I’m still pretty far down on the list for that one," she said, checking her position on the requests.

"It’ll be fun", I said.
"That’s not the question", she wryly returned.
A customer interrupted us for a moment, then I turned back to her. "Deal?"
"I’ll keep it in mind."
I rolled my eyes.
She frowned at me in mock chagrin. "I’m supposed to be the eyeroller."
"Sometimes we switch sides."
"I like to be an enigma."
"You’re half an enigma, half an annoyance."

Point, me.

I love our banter.

After she got off desk, she had a meeting to go to. I wanted to hear of the results of it, but knew we wouldn’t have a chance to talk, so I said, "I look forward to hearing about it next week."  She paused, and it seemed that she hadn’t really thought of that. I softened my voice. "You know, that’s what I miss. You know I want to hear all about your meeting." The innocuous stuff. The stuff that really is what made us us before all of This.

Then, people came, and that thought was truncated. She had a meeting to get to, and it was time for my break. She let me in the break room, and as she went to leave, I smiled at her. "Enjoy your meeting." Then, she shocked me. With a low voice and a conspiratorial grin, she said "I can give you one hour after work to talk. Come to my place."

*blink*

Well, that was unexpected, but more than welcome. So I suggested we might as well just make it dinner. So we did.

Act the Second: Dinner
 
As we walked from her apartment to the restaurant, I shook my head. "You’re a curious girl," I said, and for a moment she didn’t know what I was referring to, despite the fact we in a situation we had pledged to avoid, walking side by side down the street as we had so often before. I declared Tuesdays to be "Do No Wrong Day", explaining that we are certainly being indulgent of each other, but I’m very good at rationalizing and since we’d already said Tuesday lunch was ok, we might as well extend it to all of Tuesdays.

We bantered for awhile until we reached the restaurant, and naturally our conversation alluded towards THIS, because we enjoy our sarcasm and jest.  We talked about Buffy and other favorite seasons. One of my favorite characters was Faith, because she had such a redemptive ark–the same reason I liked Spike, and Angel. I love stories of redemption where a person struggles, does bad things, and then makes up for it. How could I not? It’s my life in a nutshell. I mentioned that Rebecca reminded me of Faith because she looked like the actress, and Susan commented on Rebecca being the Best Month Ever. I’ve said that for so long that it’s approached mythic status, so that it’s almost a caricature of itself. But I said to Susan, the thing is, the last month has been pretty close, and really, Susan holds the title of Best Four Months Ever, which is quite an achievement.

At the restaurant, we talked about the meeting for awhile, which was very enjoyable. I enjoy hearing her talk about work, and she likes my constructive input, which often frames things differently or gives her ideas she hadn’t considered. We work very well together.  This discussion featured a few mini-rants and tangents, and for the first time in awhile, we felt like Us again. Eventually, the conversation steered its way naturally back to that topic.

Being in our natural element–just the two of us out together–seemed to steady us a bit. What emerged was a discussion much like the mini-talk from a week before. It was a serious talk, an honest talk, a caring talk.

Much of the sequence of it faded from my memory, but the talk began in earnest when there was a reference to my blog, and I knew it was time to tell her of my decision. We really weaved all over during our conversation. We talked about our parents, my talks with my mother, various aspects of our relationship, some books that she loved and recommended. We sort of tied everything together. Once again, I was struck by the real Us, how when we just sat down and put our minds to it, we could talk simply and openly about everything. In our way, of course, our weird way, but it was Us. I can’t explain it except that it works. My words, her quietness, but there was no doubt that both of us understood one another. I knew, she knew that I knew, and I knew she knew that I knew, and things were good again.

At one point, I was talking about how nice it was to talk to my mother about THIS, because we’d had some rough times in the past, and Susan mentioned that her parents don’t know anything, never will. I joked that I could show her mom my blog, and although it was purely in jest, the look of absolute horror on her face made me laugh aloud and reassure her. "No, no, never, I’m completely kidding, I’m sorry." I laugh thinking about it now.

"So about the blog," I began. "I’ve decided not to write anymore." She listened.

"This," I said, gesturing at the table, "is Michaelandsusanville. And this," I said, wrapping my hand around her water glass, "is THIS."

"We are much more than THIS. It’s a part of Us, but it’s not all of Us, and we need to remember that. We are," I said, gesturing widely again, "so much more. We are all of these stores and outlet malls and office buildings. And we need to get away from THIS."

What I’d realized after lunch is that it was time to stop.  What I’d most needed to ascertain was whether or not she knew where my mind was. I did, and in doing so discovered where her mind was. That’s what I needed. That clarity. But I think she needed something too, she needed me to demonstrate to her that I honestly understood and respectedher emotions. That I indeed knew her.

You see, my blog perpetuates THIS. We both need time away from it being at the focus of our thoughts and our interactions. Otherwise, it’s going to corrupt things, make them worse. We cannot progress to anything healthy–friendship or otherwise–if THIS lingers between us. We needed to have these conversations, I believe, to reach closure of sorts. But a few things remained unspoken. Now, they’re not. What more is there to say? She knows how I feel. I know how she feels. I know what she wants and needs from me, and she knows what I want and need from her. We know why we’re doing this, we know we’re parallel. We know the future is uncertain, but holds a certain potential.

So, I need to shut the fuck up. We need to be able to be together and not have to talk about THIS. We need to be able just to be ourselves and enjoy things. We need the absence of pressure, we need to be able to sit down across from each other at a dinner table and gossip and laugh and ridicule and learn. We need to be able to know that our interactions aren’t going to consist of 80% drama and 20% fun. Because yes, we’ve had a little drama, and it’s not typical of us. We’re a very light-hearted couple of people, and we didn’t grow close because we were doing THIS all the time. There’s limits on how much you should delve into things.

And we’d hit ours.