Learning | Experience (#8–Revelation ii)

I wasn’t going to let this opportunity slip by.  We had an enjoyable dinner at some restaurant with meals we couldn’t pronounce and a waiter that probably got tired of us quizzing him. It was remarkably fun, and because I’m fairly open about some of the more horrible things in my life, I regaled them both with stories of my relationships, some of which still surprise Susan to this very day because who I was then is so far from who I am now. There was one horrible moment where Raina asked me if I had a crush on anyone at the library. I’ll always wonder where that question came from, and why she saw fit to ask me. Of course, sitting across from precisely the person I did have a crush on, I wasn’t going to answer honestly, but I managed to respond with a smooth, "Just the both of you, of course." Whew. Safe, right? Heh.

After dinner we retired to Raina’s house for more bonding. Susan and I carpooled down there, memorable for a number of reasons. I couldn’t help but think that a year before, if you’d told me I’d be riding in a car with her to a friend’s house after eating dinner together, I would have been tickled pink. I might have interpreted it incorrectly, but even though I felt the bond immediately and knew we COULD be friends, I didn’t believe we actually WOULD. Life doesn’t work like that. Consider for a moment the people in your life that you’ve met and been so struck by. How many of them actually become fixtures in your life? Me? In a car with Susan? That’s insane! She was like the Little Red-Haired Girl in all of those Peanuts specials, someone that passed in and out of my life for a moment and forever would be just an ephemeral She. Certainly not sitting in my car looking aghast and arguing with me and telling me I’m full of shit amidst laughter and mockery.  All of those random people that pass by our windows. One of them could be one of your closest friends. You just need to take the chance.

I have long been enamored with astrology. I argue with myself about it on a regular basis, but whether through perceptual error or attribution, I find it remarkably accurate. The topic came up while at Raina’s, and because I’m fairly private in my beliefs I don’t necessarily enjoy talking about it with strangers. I tend to just throw a few things out and try to sound knowledgeable and/or fair-minded and then want people to leave me the hell alone. I use astrology as an analytical tool, but it requires a fair amount of work and is pretty complex. You can’t just tell someone what kind of person they are based on their birthday. I knew what Susan was, because she has the same birthday I do, August 12, a fact which I used as a shoehorn into conversation during my second day working with her after the re-meet. As a Leo, she definitely likes hearing about herself, though, so I was pretty sure I could use astrology as an "in". I threw out some random comments for her to agree or disagree with, trying to hit on some, and on some others just saying stuff to see what she’d say. I thought, aha, this is an "in".

Sure enough, the next day I emailed her, mentioning what a good time I’d had and suggesting that I interpret her chart for her because it would be fun for Susan, born skeptic, to see what she agreed with and disagreed with. She liked the idea, which made me rub my hands in glee. My goal was threefold–one, I was determined to find out more about Susan. Two, I thought this would be a great idea to provoke in-depth and personal discussion. Three, I wanted to do a relationship chart for us to see how we interacted, and find out if it later held up. For the record, it has. We are ridiculously compatible.

I attended trivia a few days later and although I was quiet around everyone not named Susan, I had an enjoyable time. Her boyfriend, Martin, seemed like a nice guy, and I was glad to find that I liked him. If I didn’t, or if he was an ass, things might have turned out much differently, as I would have been much more tempted towards evil. It’s good she has fine taste in men.

She went to Spain after that, and I informed her that her boss (whom she didn’t like) was moving on to a new library, which thrilled her to no end. I took great pleasure in being the first one to tell her, I might add. I wondered if she’d write while she was gone, and surprisingly she wrote me from Barcelona saying hello, which of course made me very happy. She seemed to be looking forward to seeing me, very friendly, but as she’s not much of a writer, it wasn’t exactly a novel. During that time I’d been going to trivia, because I liked the people and the atmosphere and the activity, and it was a good chance for me to get to know the other people in her life. I was, of course, completely analyzing her boyfriend, and made an effort to get to know him better and pick up whatever clues about her relationship I could. I came to the conclusion that he was hopelessly smitten with her, that she was definitely the dominant one in the relationship, and that there was absolutely no way that he was going to mistreat her.

Well, damn. But how did she feel about him?

Upon her return from Spain, we started gaining momentum, and November galvanized our friendship. I completed her chart which prompted a phone call the next day. Just like the first phone call, this one also propelled us into a new area, one that led to more calls and conversations. Then, she was preparing for an upcoming interview and I helped her with her application (which involved essay questions and such, which of course, is surely the reason she got the job. All me.). More contact. The spark had been there, but finally the kindling caught fire and we were fanning it. Flame on. 

In these conversations, my reservations about her were lifted. She passed every test. With discourse, I grew to understand her. Her beliefs, her feelings, her history, her genuine devotion to her relationship. She was worthy of my friendship and affection, and trust me, I looked at everything she did with a keen eye.

Up until this point, I hadn’t really begun seriously considering the fact that she might like me as much as I liked her. I don’t know whether to attribute that to years of low self-esteem, my inability to read the majority of women, or just the fact that I’m a male and she’s a female and they’re fuckin goofy. Through Sept and Oct, I’d done my best to encourage the friendship, but was careful not to overwhelm her with my desire to know more/do more/be more. I sensed something special, and I was treating it carefully. I had an agenda, of course–to become as close to Susan as she would allow.

I decided my greatest priority was not losing whatever we were creating, was not losing Her, and this priority has guided me up until now. My priority was *not* to be her boyfriend. I was very respectful of her relationship. I wanted to give both her and Martin no reason for alarm; I wanted them comfortable in my presence, as I wanted to be comfortable in theirs. I’m too old to be a homewrecker, and I don’t like causing people pain. I took great pains to let her know that I knew I was second fiddle, that I wasn’t presuming on her time or company.

In the past, I’ve made the mistake of chasing people that weren’t interested, and suffered a lot of heartbreak. I grew out of that; now, I won’t chase. I refuse. You can’t force someone to have a relationship with you, and you can’t make them love you. I was completely prepared for unrequited adoration, to be The Person Who Likes Someone Who Doesn’t Like Him In That Way. That’s what I’m used to; that’s a significant part of my history. Every now and then I’d see her eyes flash excitedly, or the way she’d duck her head demurely, and I’d think to myself, "Yeah, we’d be pretty good together, wouldn’t we?" I knew we had that necessary amount of chemistry, but I didn’t think it had penetrated her heart as well.

As I later told her, "You’re the best thing to happen to me in the last 10 years, and reckon I’m gonna treat you right." I was going to give her absolutely no reason to not want to be around me. I would not fuck this up.

Seemed simple to me. Best friend it is!  I even discussed that with her, gauging her reaction to my profession of lifelong friendship. It didn’t go too badly, and because we’re us, actually stimulated quite a discussion on absent friends. Now, throughout these two months, I had focused on her reactions to my behavior. My actions, her reactions, what I’m doing, how she’s taking it. As my need to express is roughly 73 times greater than hers, she played it pretty coy. She was on an oblique angle, where it’s safe and gradual, covert. Both of us have this in our personality, just as we both have the aggressive sides. I am aggressive to attain, she is aggressive to attract; I am oblique to attract, she is oblique to attain.

It was around this time, in between the long personal talks and the editing assistance, that our conversations took on more depth. We’d talked about our lives, now we talked about us. Who we were, what made us who we were, our deepest-held beliefs, our traumas in the past, our fears and insecurities. And during the spaces in between, I had a moment of clarity when I realized..

We’re spending more time together, but I’m not initiating it.
We’re talking and communicating more, but I’m not the one initiating that, either.
She’s being incredibly solicitous of me, and proactively taking up more of my..

Hey, wait a second!

I looked at what she had said, what she had done, how she was when we talked, how she was when we were alone, and everything kind of fell into place. 

My eyes opened. I had known she was fond of me, but this is when I really started understanding what was going on. This wasn’t *my* crush, this wasn’t *my* infatuation, this wasn’t me randomly pining after Awesome_Girl_17.

This was mutual.

Fuck.

Imagine a man walking and stopping in mid-stride and turning slowly to look at you. It was that sort of realization.

The game had changed. During November, we started hanging out in a small group a lot, for dinner and gaming. Martin usually wasn’t there due to other plans, and the others apparently picked up on whatever vibe we were sending out. There were looks, and comments, particularly from Raina, and I didn’t appreciate the presumption or the judgment. This is when I began to stress. Because now I simultaneously was dealing with:

1. A woman I adored who was into me but unavailable.
2. Figuring out if she really was unavailable, and if her sudden interest in me meant maybe she was considering a change in her life, meaning that my plans of not-chasing were potentially moot.
3. Other people butting into our business.

Fun.

We accelerated. Our time together grew, our seeking each other out grew. She surprised me with an invitation to eat Thanksgiving with her family. Though I never admitted it to her, this surprised me, precisely because of the signals I was receiving. I was confused, and wondered, "Is Martin going to be there?"

I went back and forth on that for an entire day.
"Surely he is."
"Well, she didn’t mention him at all. And she seems pretty into you."
"Yeah, but she isn’t that type of person, she wouldn’t take me there behind his back or anything. C’mon, they’ve been together two years. He’s implied." 
"I donno, look at the way she’s been for the last couple of weeks. Maybe he’s going to be out of town and she’s auditioning you and wants to see how you are with her family."
"Impossible."
"C’mon, man. THE FAMILY. That’s fuckin huge. You better be impressive."
"Shit."

Martin was indeed there, and then of course I felt terribly foolish for ever thinking otherwise, though I was relieved of a bit of my shame by the fact that one of our friends asked me the same thing about whether he would be there.

Thanksgiving was, by the way, wonderful. That holiday weekend, however, we saw each other a lot, for days in a row. November begat December, and December was more of the same, and pretty soon, without any real effort or strain, Susan became a part of my every day life. It became an expectation to share parts of our day with each other, whether it be email, phone, in person, whatever. This was now the norm, not the exception, and it was uncommon if we didn’t take the time to touch base.

When I say we saw more of each other, I don’t mean hi-how-do-you-do-how’s-tricks. I mean, come over at noon, leave at 10pm, spend-the-entire-day-together, go-until-you-can’t-stay-up-any-more nights.

I wasn’t quite sure what to make of it, and spent a few weeks oscillating between interpretations. There was a subtext to all of our interactions, and now that was aware of her interest in me, I could tell she knew it, too. There was an elephant in the room. We didn’t mention it. We ran into it once or twice when we weren’t careful, then walked around it like it wasn’t there. Every now and then one of us would poke at it.

My confusion became greater when I learned that she and Martin were planning to get a house together. My heart fell a little, and I suspect that anyone watching me would have seen me momentarily crestfallen. I admit I was disappointed, that I did not expect it at all, but it served to put things in perspective.

This is when I became aware of the true nature of our situation, that we were not-dating, that we were mutually fascinated with each other but that the reality of the situation was that nothing was going to come of it. Moreso, that she didn’t know what to do with it any more than I did.

I was still very careful, and wanted to be completely appropriate at all times. Ironically, I think my propriety with her, and my respect for her and Martin, may have served to make me more attractive. I did slip up once, when we were talking on the phone one evening and I said, "Yeah, I think of a thousand things a day I want to tell you about." It was in a completely wistful crushvoice, and I immediately smacked myself in the forehead and tried to move on from it.

After the "we’re getting a house" bomb, I tried to distance myself a bit, key word being "tried". But around mid-December, things started heating up, and much like Thanksgiving, when we had "free time" around Christmas, it really meant "free time to spend with one another". I think it was nine out of eleven days this time. At one point, Iwent to sleep and set my phone by my bed because I knew she would call in the morning to wake me up to see if we could do something together, even though we hadn’t coordinated it beforehand. And you know, I liked it. There was something remarkably comfortable and natural about her being the last person I saw at night and the first one I heard in the morning.

I’m much wiser than I once was, and more savvy. The moment I felt that, I said, "No." It was crossing the line into dangerous territory, because if I started having expectations for that, it might lead to places that neither of us wanted to go. This is when my waters started churning. I rediscovered my muse–romantic angst–and returned to blogging. I needed to examine my life, not just where Susan impacted it. I needed to sit myself down and truly reflect on what was going on, what I was expecting, and get my mind straight. This was about her, but it also wasn’t about her.

I mentioned that I wrote, and surprisingly, she wanted to read it. This both exhilarated and dismayed me, because it meant that while I could analyze me, I couldn’t analyze her. I didn’t want her to see things I wasn’t prepared to discuss yet, or that might be dangerous for us to discuss. I wasn’t going to use OD as a medium. Every time I wrote, I was overly conscious of the fact that she would be reading it.

So instead of OD, I wrote Adam.

<–continued–>