Tales From My Aquarium.

Another Saturday night, another date with another guy I’ll probably never see again.

I’ve had a profile at OKCupid for a long time. I’ve met a lot of people from there over the past few years and the experiences have been overwhelmingly positive. I obviously didn’t fall in love with anyone, but they all were exactly who they’d represented themselves to be, and none of them were particularly creepy.

When I first started meeting people through the site, I was in a very bad place in regards to relationships. I was still nursing the wounds that Craig had inflicted on me and I had no desire to get involved with anybody in any way. I was so wounded that I didn’t have sex for 650+ days. (And the person who ultimately relieved me of my vow of abstinence was someone I met not on OKCupid, but here on Open Diary. And good God, is he yummy.) I went out with these people and they were fine, nothing wrong with them, just…not special enough to make me want to risk feeling anything again.

After a while I found that what I was looking for in other people completely changed. I wasn’t looking for a partner anymore, and I didn’t want to try to find someone with whom I could have a long-term relationship. If that happened, fine, but I wasn’t looking for it anymore. I became interested in going out, having fun, being casual. And, well, it’s really easy to find people who are interested in that on dating websites, if you know what I mean. So I met a few people, we went out a couple of times, had some drinks, messed around…it was fun, I guess. I like fun, but I find it kind of lacking.

I need to have a connection with the people I get involved with. I don’t need to have a relationship, or a commitment…but I need to have a connection. Sex is no fun if you don’t enjoy the time you spend not having it, if that makes any sense at all. The biggest problem in my relationship with Craig was that we weren’t friends — we didn’t enjoy each others’ company, and that’s why our relationship consisted of fighting and fucking and nothing more. I need to enjoy the conversation. I need to be able to laugh. I need to have enough in common so that we can enjoy the same activities and want to watch the same movies. I need to have a friend before I can have anything else.

Like I said, I’ve been dating a lot of people. I don’t have a commitment to any of them. They all know this. I’m careful and safe, but also a bit of a slut. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. I’m big on honesty — and nobody is getting hurt here. To extend the popular metaphor about the fish in the sea, I like to keep an aquarium. I like to hang on to people for a while. It’s not casual sex, it’s casual relationships.

So anyway, I met a really great guy through OKCupid last month. He lived near me, we had a lot in common, we had good conversations, and, okay, I’ll come out and say it, the sex was really, really great. He was a lot like me in that he liked to have casual relationships with multiple people at the same time, but unlike me, he didn’t want them to get at all complicated. Me, I don’t mind when my ‘friend with benefits’ lives in another state, because I’m used to it. He wasn’t into that though, so when I told him that I was moving it pretty much signaled the end. Still, he took me out for one last dinner, we toasted to my success, and we had a very pleasant and naked goodbye. I told him that if I ever end up back in Philadelphia, I’ll be calling him. (Did I mention that the sex was good?)

Yes, by the way, I moved last week. I am no longer a resident of Philadelphia. I am back in North Jersey, I am unemployed, I am looking for auditions on which to go. I don’t miss my job, but I do miss the people I worked with. I don’t miss my apartment, but I do miss my neighborhood. I’m glad to be back with my family, but I really, really miss living alone, and it’s only been four days.

When I moved, I changed my location on my OKCupid profile — all of the creepy guys in Philadelphia had already been ignored by me; now the ones in North Jersey are pouncing. One guy from up here actually sent me a message when I was still in Philly — and when I mentioned that I’d be coming back here we decided to set up a meeting. That meeting happened this afternoon.

We met for coffee, which turned into a long walk and a stop in a bookstore, which turned into dinner. Quite a long date, and the conversation was fine. We had enough in common and he’s also the sort who prefers to keep things casual. Everything was great on paper, but I did not have even the slightest attraction to him whatsoever. Again, not because there was anything wrong with him — just no spark. I need a spark. I care about a spark.

I always offer to split the cost of dinner when I’m on a date, especially when I know that I’m not interested — but when I got up to go to the restroom, he got the check and paid for it in full. I felt awful. I offered to at least leave the tip, but he wouldn’t let me. I didn’t want to lead him on. I’m not the sort to hurt feelings. When we parted ways I made sure that my body language was clear in telling him not to kiss me, and I’ll give him credit for that because he didn’t even try. He asked if he could call me again and I told him that would be fine — that would be fine, he’d make a nice friend. I just don’t want to date him, and I’ll have to tell him that in no uncertain terms, because he’s a nice person and I’m not in the habit of hurting nice people.

There’s also a girl in New York I may try to set up a date with. I don’t know much about her, and I’m nervous about it. It’s been a long time since I’ve dated a woman. Dating women scares me, because they hate it when I date men. But I am what I am, and as long as I’m keeping things casual I’m not going to discriminate between sexes. When I’m in a monogamous relationship with a woman, I’ll stop dating men. (And when I’m in a monogamous relationship with a man, I’ll stop dating women. It goes both ways, no pun intended.) Still, lesbians make me nervous, because I’ve been dumped by one too many of them for my bi/omni/whatever-sexuality. It scares them, and I understand that because way too many ‘bisexuals’ are the sort who only make out with each other at parties to impress frat boys, and who have dalliances with true lesbians even when they know absolutely that they’ll never really settle with one. I have no qualms about sharing my life with a woman, and when the right person for me comes along I won’t care what he or she keeps in his or her pants. Sadly, it’s hard to get that point across to most of the lesbians I meet.

Plus, now that I’m back here for the long-term, I need to decide if I want to continue things with the friend from here with whom I’ve been casually fooling around for the past couple years. I think part of the appeal to that “relationship” was the distance factor, so I don’t know how my moving will affect things. The last time I saw him was in April; I told him that I was moving back and he instantly turned into the Aloofness Monster of New Jersey. He wouldn’t even touch me after that. I think I need to have a conversation with him about what I want and what I don’t expect to get from him. I think he’s afraid that I’ll want to be his girlfriend. He has no idea about my aquarium.

So, that’s my life right now, those are my stories, this is what I’m doing. I’m enjoying people, I’m enjoying life, and I’m staying away from the drama. That’s a change for me, but it’s a good one. For now, things are peaceful.