Wed. March 3rd

It’s currently 11pm. i am supposed to be doing homework, but i instead wanted to write my thoughts down. i was able to find this site. And I’m pretty glad i found it. idk if people can read it or not but idc about that much. As far as how today has been. Today wasn’t inherently a bad day, but it wasn’t great. The past few months i’ve been in a kind of depression and it’s made school hard to care about. Even tho nothing bad happened today there is still that background stress i have daily on what my life is gonna become. One of the big things that makes me sad daily is Zoe. I miss her and think about her daily, even if I try not to.  Which I don’t want to think about her bc it hurts. I’ve thought about if i miss her, or if i miss the thought of having someone. And it’s definitely both. i miss having someone bc you feel something that nothing else can make you feel, and when it’s gone you crave it so much. i also miss her tho, she wasn’t perfect. No one is. But almost everything about her i loved, and i loved her. i still do and i think i always will. But i also know i need to move on from her, bc that part of our lives has come to an end and i need to start new things. it’s difficult, there are constant reminders of her all over. I’ll be listening to music and her name will be in the tittle or i’ll play a game and then there is a character with her name. And so many things remind me of things i did with her. But ik i need to move past her. i don’t need to forget about her or what we were tho, bc being with her taught me a lot of things i can use later in life, in my later relationship(s). My other problem is trying to deal with my mom and her boyfriend arguing every other day. He has some mental things and so he needs a partner who can understand and can make up for the rest of what needs to happen., but my mom is sick and has her own mental things bc of it. And she needs a partner that understands and can make up for the rest of what needs to happen. It’s like if someone had no arms, they would need a partner that can do the things you need arms for. But they both don’t have arms. And so there’s always stress and tension. And they argue to the point she has seizures and then forgets the whole day. i’m worried she’ll not be able to come back from them if they keep happening. Now, my main thing right now is i need to get school under control. i put off work all the time, sleep through class, and leave my mom stressed out. She’s dealing with enough rn, like trying to stay alive. i can’t imagine having her diseases and also try to figure out your two kids lives. My last main problem is my own health problems i have. i don’t eat well and have digestion problems. i’m not at a weight or height i would like and it’s because i don’t do the things to be healthy. The medicine and the doctor scares me a lot, but ik it’s what i need to help me. And bc of how i can’t do things other people my age can, and i’m not as big or tall as i want, it also adds to that depression i’ve been going through. i didn’t really say why i started being sad but i think it’s when i moved. i’ve been moving all my life. 17 houses in 17 years, but this time was different. My parents divorced when i was 5 and when my mom got sick, she had to move to some where that had cheaper costs. Which was 2,000 miles away. in 2019 i didn’t think i was doing the best and i was thinking about moving to my moms. But i had Zoe where my dad lived and he could be manipulative and so i didn’t go. But over christmas break i visted to my mom and just decided not to go back. i think part of it was thinking i would do better with my mom, but sadly part of it was also me just running away from the problems i had made where my dad lived. i didn’t want to leave Zoe, but i convinced myself i needed to move. It hurt her and our relationship and my mom didn’t think we should stay together and it was a huge mess with me being pressured to break up and after i did it was a bigger mess and we tried being friends and it just hurt us both a lot. Eventually we just had to stop talking all together. And when that happened i lost it. i had never felt that feeling of loss before. The sudden move also ended my relationship with my bestfriend and it hurt my relationship with my dad. He and i didn’t really talk for  few months. But with all that, i had to start at a new school. Things started off fine, i thought i’d make some friends and it would all be ok. And then covid. My mom has kept us in online school since it started, so i have made no new friends. i’ve been talking and playing games with my old friends, but not having any in person things has been very hard. i’m a very social person and all i see every day are my mom, my sister, and my moms boyfriend that lives with us. SO, in all. Life went kinda crazy for me and i started to shut down and live in a constant dull cycle. And now we are gonna move again in june to a different state. And my mom doesn’t know where in that state yet so i have to help figure out how we are gonna do that. I had to give her my $600 so we could break our lease, but hopefully it will all be worth it, bc she’s supposed to be healthier there. She always is good when she goes there over the summer, and she’s found a doctor that can help there. Now ik a lot of people are still worse off, and i need to just push through. Which is what i’m going to try to do. i also am going to try and do some things to make me a bit happier. Like getting my license. it’s been almost two years since i was able to get it and i haven’t yet. But that freedom will open a lot of new things to do.

i think that’s all i was thinking about right now, and i’m going to try to do some of my mountain of hw. (How do you end a diary entry. Hmmmm. i’ll just end with how i end my night when talking to people, cuz i’m talking to myself) Good night. Sleep well. Sweet dreams.

p.s. Future self, ik i write with idk and idc and ik and bc, and i don’t capitalize my i’s butttt there so cute.

p.p.s i also learned today that p.s. means postscript so its pps not pss like you used to do. cuz its post post script not a post script scrpit.

edit: some how i spent an hour writing that. so its the the 4th. but i’m leaving it as the 3rd.