Trust

Trust is everything when it comes to a relationship. Here we find ourselves, neither of us trusting the other. Did I ever fully trust you? There were things that happened very early on in the relationship that caused me not to trust you. Rather than take them head on, you justified your actions, making me feel even worse. I just wanted you to acknowledge how you made me feel. There was no infidelity, but it certainly made me question. As we grew I realized that you never would cheat on me, your friends vouched for you. I began to see why you did the things you did. It had nothing to do about cheating or wanting to cheat. You wanted attention, you wanted to network, you wanted to manipulate for self gain. It is not because you are evil, it is because from a young age you had been taught that by your mother. You didn’t know any better, which is why when you did things that were hurtful to me, I couldn’t understand why you would do it and you couldn’t understand how I didn’t see. We were at a crossroads, and we still are. I understand how your past has shaped the person I see in front of me. I held that lack of trust inside and put on a facade until you began not to trust me. You didn’t trust me for things that I felt were minute. Things that I had learned from my parents. Yet again, we were back at this same crossroads. Me not wanting to acknowledge my actions and trying to justify why I did it. I felt like my reasoning made more sense, but when I look back at it, we both did the same thing. You are far more vocal about you feelings, about how you don’t trust me. Just because I didn’t vocalize it didn’t mean it had gone away. I am very good at ignoring problems in my life, just hoping they will disappear. It is something that has driven you crazy about me from the beginning and something that I so desperately want to change about myself. I wish I could just snap my fingers and we would trust each other again, but the world doesn’t work that way unfortunately. I hate how for you its networking, but for me it is cheating, it is such a double standard. I rarely even talk to other girls, I have lost a very close friend who I have never done anything with. And yet I am surrounded by your exes, all the time. It doesn’t seem right, you want your cake and to eat it too.