The Beginning

My therapist said I should start journaling, so here I am. It feels like Covid really fucked everything up, but maybe it was just a catalyst for the inevitable. We started off so happy, but now neither one of us can say anything. How did we get to this place, how did we become what we saw around us and swore we never would? We turned into the people who envied us. Looking back, i wasn’t really sharing who I truly was or what I needed. It wasn’t because I was hiding it, more so that I wasn’t capable or aware of what I needed from you. Regardless of the path it took for us to get here, we have arrived. It has turned into an everyday struggle that leaves me exhausted and wondering why I continue to subject myself. There is something about you that I can’t put my finger on, something that I felt from the moment I met you. It sounds selfish to write out loud, but I want you to myself. Not in a controlling way, but because I know how much potential we have together. How the room changes when we walk in, how good we can be. Sometimes I questions if I am holding onto the past, but there is this feeling in my gut that says,” keep holding on, it will be worth it.” I’ll be honest, the last 8 months have left me anxious, depressed, and angry. I know this person I see in front of me and the person I have become aren’t our true selves. I blame you for a lot, but I know that I play just as big a part. It is really hard for me to accept my role in all of this, I think it is because of what I went through with my father. He was my idol as a kid, and when my parents divorced it left me feeling unimportant to the most important person in my life. I blamed my stepmom for many years, she must be the reason my father doesn’t love me anymore. It wasn’t until almost a decade later that I realized it was him all along. He came to visit me for the first time since I had moved away, nearly 10 years later. I had an amazing time catching up, just him and I. That was the day I realized my father abandoned me on his own accord. It had nothing to do with her. I walked into my room after he left and I began to sob. I didn’t even know why I was crying, I guess it was years and years of anger, hurt, frustration, and confusion about why my idol would leave me like that. I finally felt closure and that release of emotion was inevitable. It felt so good to finally have an answer, even though it was the answer I had dreaded my entire life.