What is this madness?

What is this madness I’m experiencing today?

Not unlike many of my depressive episodes (usually the cause of hormones or general life suckiness) I woke up today with no intention of getting out of bed and doing anything productive. I laid there for two solid hours, texting, reviewing last night’s snapchats, instagrams, and facebook statuses. I went to bed pretty early- probably 11pm. I didn’t get up and do anything until noon. And after putting some oil in my car and getting coffee, I’m still restless as hell. I feel like I am waiting for something to happen. I want someone to text me and make plans, or just to talk to someone at least. When I drove past the local high school today and saw the marching band outside practicing I almost started crying because I was overwhelmed with sadness; I miss being a part of a group and feeling like I have purpose. Although that makes me feel like I probably am just hormonal, I don’t think it’s natural to feel this anxious for no real reason (I don’t consider not having plans on Saturday a real reason). At the same time, I wonder if there is something missing from my life that could make these feelings ease up a bit.

Pretty much no one I texted this morning responded. Not even the guy I’m dating, who said something about wanting to work out or do something active today with me. I feel like everyone I’m "close" to is not really that close. The friends I trust the most and feel like family with live so far away. And all these new friends I’ve made are afraid to get close and have all these emotional barriers. Well, I guess that’s what I get for befriending a bunch of asshole men who do nothing but make fun of each other all the time. I really need to try to make some girl friends. -_-

This isn’t even a new feeling. I can recall many times in my life that I’ve felt alone like this. Wondering if anyone else really cares. Wishing someone would think about me and let it show.

And the desire to have someone close to me all the time makes me wonder if I’m too dependent on others to feel happy. Do I need some kind of hobby I can be passionate about so I can focus on myself more? Am I supposed to just naturally enjoy myself better than I do? I think about this stuff far too often and yet, my "hobby" is still MIA. I don’t count video games and watching television series.

***

I’m not taking classes this fall. I fucked up in the spring semester (go figure) and lost my financial aid at my new school (go figure again). In order to sign up for new classes there, I would have to take out a private loan. This would require a co-signer, and my grandma would be less than thrilled to have to go through that again. I have no idea if taking classes at the local community college and then coming back would effect any of this, but I’m assuming that should be my next course of action. I don’t really understand how it works. I feel like I need to talk to some kind of college financial advisor or something, it would ease my anxiety about it a lot… I suppose I should throw that on my to-do list.

Anxiety. Ugh this anxiety. No wonder I was such a huge pothead for so long… At least that gets my brain to shut the fuck up. Pot, though, puts me in those depressive moods for far too long and makes me a bad worker. I’ve slowed down my use of it quite a bit. I really do feel better about myself lately because of this. I haven’t been late to work a single time (although it’s only been 2 weeks) and I have been working hard every day that I’m there. My new job, at a locally owned Cajun restaurant, is going pretty well. It seems like I am showing a lot of promise, because one of the managers has already started training me on things that people who have been there for months aren’t even allowed to do. Another guy who does a lot of cooking and prep and things like that said that he wants me to get trained on prep work because I seem like one of the few people there who wouldn’t cut my fingers off on the meat slicer (which only terrified me a little bit). Prep would be the best because I can just do busy work in a well air conditioned room with my headphones in and not talk to a single customer all day. 🙂

So, my plan for now is to work this semester and buy all these things I really need. My car is falling apart finally after 5 good years. I need a new set of tires, badly, new brakes, an oil change, and a number of other things fixed. My wardrobe is far too familiar and nothing really fits right. I also would love to save up to move out of my grandma’s. 

I’m dating a guy that I’ve been talking to for months now. It started out seeming like one of those black holes of a relationship where he didn’t want anything serious and was just using me for sex. I let this drive me insane and made some bad choices with his friends, and he found out. Afterwards, he confessed he had real feelings for me and didn’t want to lose me. So now we are both "working on ourselves" and will "be together in the future". To be honest I’m not exactly sure what it is he is waiting for. I feel a little bit of pressure to do the right thing, whatever that is. I know he wants to make sure that I will be faithful to him when we are together and that this is what he actually wants… I’m trying to assure myself of the same things too. He doesn’t know that I cheated on my last two boyfriends…. I haven’t been serious with anyone in so long, I have no idea what to expect or do.

***

I have a hard time being able to tell if these weird "crazy" moods are serious or not. I want to be happy. I want to not feel like there is something missing. I wish mental health was valued more in the U.S. so I could get in to see a psychiatrist without spending hundreds of dollars. Some days I wonder if I could benefit from an antidepressant. Some days I think I just need to be healthier and find a hobby. A lot of days I just really need someone to talk to. I literally run a dialog in my head nearly everyday, of what types of things I would tell my psychiatrist if I had one. Pretty much what I’m writing in here is just that dialog in print. I seriously want some help. Some pressure relief. To get rid of all these nagging thoughts.