Meanwhile, at my life

 I fucked school up so badly this semester. The worst semester since my freshman year.

I have to take out private loans so I can attend summer school because I don’t qualify for federal aid with my grades, and I will have to take a full fifth year now. I honestly am much more mentally healthy than I have been in months, but there is still some sort of motivation block. I want to start going to counseling or something to try to work it out. I need to get a degree at some point, so it would be nice to be a little more enthusiastic about school. Hopefully if I get good grades over the summer I can get my aid again in the fall.

Everything about my life is "up in the air" at this point. If I don’t qualify for a student loan with my grandma cosigning, then I’m fucked. I definitely don’t qualify for ANY without her. And she is the only person I know with good enough credit who can cosign for me. If I don’t qualify for a loan I’ve got to withdrawal from school. From there I have only a few options, I could move back to my mom’s, I could move in with my grandma, I could move to my dad’s, or I could try to stay here and afford the rest of my rent for the summer. Honestly, the only way I’d be able to afford my rent would be with a full time job, or by going back to cam whoring (which wouldn’t be the funnest, but it would give me some fat checks). 

If I do qualify for a loan and get to stay in school, I hope that I will be able to requalify for my financial aid in the fall, or I’m looking forward to more loans than I should have to take out. It’s sad that a full ride to college can’t even motivate me enough to keep my grades up… But if I don’t get my financial aid back, it might be most logical for me to transfer to a branch campus and move in with a family member.

This could all work out, or it could go horribly horribly wrong. Either way, this has woken me up to the fact that I am always allowing my life to be on the edge of collapsing, and I think counseling will help me find what motivates me in life. I’m hoping if anything I’ll get some kind of placebo- effect motivation or some kind of ADHD medication that will get me through the rest of my schooling.

 …I still hang out with Ryan everyday and he’s going to practically be living with me for the summer (assuming I am staying in here, etc). He "officially" asked some other dude if he could live at his place but it’s already been established that he will pretty much be here every day and that dude’s place is just his alternative housing in case something happens between us or something. I even gave him a spare key to my place and he brought over some shit today. He told me he doesn’t want to advance our "relationship" to the next level until he isn’t staying here anymore so it wont get too serious or weird. He’s gonna start looking for places soon and he’ll be out by August at the latest.

I’ve decided that if this doesn’t turn into "anything" by midway through fall semester, then I’m going to give it up. I definitely function better when I’m dating someone (sad to say, but I like the meaning that is given to life when you have someone else, maybe that is something I need to work out in counseling also)…

If he is unwilling to turn this into an official relationship it will be unfortunate. We get along so well, we’re best friends, and we have fun with each other. We also have the most amazing sex ;D. I wouldn’t say that we necessarily bring out the best in each other though, I seem to notice a trend of us being lazy, but maybe if I work on being a harder worker it will motivate us both (he is still a much harder worker than me even if he is a little bit lazy when he hangs around me). I kind of worry that maybe me not having my shit together might also be preventing him from making that last step into making this a "real thing" even though he’s never cited it as an excuse. In fact, I worry that not having my shit together will prevent me from ever getting with someone that I actually value as a person and has real goals and stuff, but that’s another story.

 I hope things work out with my degree and everything. I would love to be able to have the skills to find jobs anywhere in the US. I want to move somewhere else. I want to find a place I love and settle. I want to have the money to travel also and to invest in hobbies. I want to be able to find job security and have benefits like health insurance and vacations (I haven’t had insurance since junior year of high school). And I want to be able to have enough money to potentially settle down and start a family with someone cool if I decide to.

I don’t aspire to have nice things or live in a fancy house. I just want to have an enjoyable life. 

One day I think the lazy part of my brain will catch on to the logical part of my brain and things will change.

I will be happy, damn it!