All the darks parts

This maybe the one time i write this online, because unfortunately after the 30 days I need membership, which is dumb but whatever. Here I go:

I hope you take the time to  read this , and if you do. Thank you.

sorry for any misspelling or grammar error im just writing my feelins and Idc for grammar  spelling error.

I’m depressed I struggle a  lot with anxiety, I feel like in life im playing a guessing game with my  anxiety. My worse fear is becoming a hobo because of my anxiety, I’m not gonna explain all the details as to why im not in therapy im  trying to seek therapy rn, because it comes with my college intuition, but besides the point. I want everyone to  read this, as long as no one knows who  I am in real life I’m ok with this. I believe in God and I know there a lot of people out there who are out in the same boat as me when believing in God and struggling with anxiety. But its hard, to keep praying to God when I  still feel this bad no matter what but I guess its a process.

My parents are hispanic and mental health stigma doesn’t exist to them. My dad sometimes tries to get it and sometime he may, but I for the most part I guess he doesn’t. My mom out of all people does not get it at ALL not ONE BIT. I’m not gonna disregard everything my parents have done for me, I love them very much and they fill every maslow heirarchy of needs except when it comes to my mental health, which makes me feel like they don’t love me enough to the extent to understand me. Which is a lie, they are willing to die for me,but for the most part I wish they understood my mnetal health. I’m studying to be a medical assistant I have my esthetician license and I really wanna work in a dermatology. But my courses for  MA suck. Most of it is useless information for the dermatology, im only doing MA because i get FASFA help and whatever money I get from them,im gonna use it at least hopefully, for Laser school, because I  don’t have money to pay laser school, but financial aid pays for my  medical assistant program.

I feel like the most selfish person ever. Because I don’t recieve the emotional mental health validation from my parents, I want a man who will. I want a man who will only put ME first because if I can’t rely on my parents for my emotion health, and yes I do have friends that are their for me but I dont like bothering them, I  want to be loved and get my emotional needs met, its not that I don’t recieve love from my parents I do, they just dont fill the role for my mental health. I want a man who only puts my needs first and takes care of me, be dominant and assertive all in a respectable way which he will love me  and respect my wishes.

Even though nothing is really wrong with my life, I just struggle so much with my mental health so so so much, I feel like deep down maybe I need a boyfriend, someone like Bakugou, its silly to say that from a  character show. But he shows knows weakness and he carries his own burdens, I want that  in a man as selfish as that sounds, but I hate to say this I can’t barely be there for people, so i want him just for ME. I want someone to carry my anxiety and depression and all the feelings I  feel. I want a man  to tell me “hit me with it all ill be there every day, until the day I do, lay it on me, i’ll be your man.”

I took a test the other day for my MA course because right now my MA course for what I wanna do for the most part has nothing to do with a dermatology just to a small extent, and everything SUCKS. I don’t care about patient care, I don’t care about anatomy, I DONT CARE, I  like making people feel good with their own skin, I like seeing  people giving themselves a form of self care even  through skin care. I think skin care is important because you are putting your own wellness FIRST. And I  whole heartedly support that with all my soul in me. I like giving facials it calms me down, it makes me happy, I like giving massage to people who struggle with days of work, with people who just had a bad day and their putting themselves first, it could be as simple as a facial or facial massage but I take pleasure into people putting  themselves first or just taking  a time to relax.

Lately, I only been able to work in a spa as an esthetician or daycare (because I also like kids) and my anxiety doesn’t kick in. I have tried working in a medical office but don’t last not even an  hour, or at a bakery I have tried different jobs and my anxiety and I just dont click. Only as an esthetician (ive only had one job as an esthetician, so idk if i will get anxiety in the next i dont feel like  I would but idk) and like I said function in a daycare.

Ever  since I started my Medical assistant program , I been so fucken anxious in terms of failing, this sucks,  “I dont like this, im only doing this for the derm, what if I dont get my money from fasfa so i can save up and go to laser school if the MA program doesn’t work blah blah” my thoughts coming in and just so much anxiety and depression. Mostly anxiety.

But finally I took  my first anatomy exam after loosing sleep from anxiety and afraid of being a hobo cuz of my anxiety and I’ll never work in a derm or this or that or just that cycle of though patterns for like really BAD than usual for like 4 weeks. After I took my first exam I  said “fuck this, this is not worth my mental health, hopefully if FASFA gives me all that money, and the MA after  half assing it  and doesn’t work out, Ill go to laser school and then work in a derm, and whatever  is left of money that I need for laser school I’ll work for it somehow even if I get anxiety in a job, I’ll grab it by the balls and just get that money then go to laser school.

My anxiety comes from not knowing  what to do and being thrown so much information all the  sametime, and not getting it at the pace I need to at least. So after that test I felt some sense of relief because I get something finally clicked  in my brain im not sure, so lets see  what happens I  don’t know. I just hope God  answers my prayers, I been more at peace these days, i havent beens studying much, and somehow thank God passing my exam pretty decent so idk we’ll see. I still feel little anxious here and there ,but most of the times just depressed. I dont know why but i rather be depressed than anxious.

And Idk im just here depressed. I just hope all my desires  and wishes come true , what I want is either my parents to understand my mental health or the idea of mental health, or I’ll find a man (hopefully) who will and say “i’m your man, lay it all on me.” And love me till the day I die and hopefully feel the same way about him. I feel like I have a lot of (I know this is cringey to say) darkness in me where I want to be first to someone.  I  MYSELF want to be put FIRST in terms of every emotional need I have. I don’t care if it selfish I have dont have control over my emotions. I feel like anytime I’m just gonna loose my sanity, im trying to control myself but I feel like one day im just gonna loose it. or maybe I wont maybe im overthinking it Idk.

I also feel  like a hypocrite in terms of my faith, I do go to church because I want to, I try to “obey” God but something all about it for some  reason I  feel nothing towards. I just wish Jesus was actually right in front of me to actually get a  VERBAL conversation with him, and feel him PHYSICALLY its hard to pray in sometime you cant see yet alone feel sometimes. I see all my chrisitian friends from church praise God and have some deep intimacy spiritually, and I wish I had that, but sometimes I feel like I dont feel that, and apparently sometimes its like that. Or maybe I pray to God for selfish reason maybe why I still feel like this. Idk. What do I know, to be honest im a little stoicism to certain extent and toward specific things. IDk, what do I know? I cant trust what my own feelings feels at time so idk.

Like I said I just hope with whatever I said if God is hearing my soul scream like im sorry for being human and feeling like this. I also want a man who gonna  fill my emotional needs and love me so fucken much, and hopefully as  I do to him and just give me good sex. I want him to be assertive in bed, and tell me each time he’ll take over and rougly but gently fuck me and tell me he’ll love me and be there for me no matter what. I hate saying this buts its the  truth, or maybe  this is all just coming from a deep dark part of me whose wishful needs are yet to be met. Idk. Im  just depressed maybe its my depression talking, but Idk what do I know. I just hope one day I’ll reach my nirvana one day, where no matter what life throws  at me I can smile and  get through it, with still being or feeling joy in my heart.