Work and food

I had a few busy days at work. I feel so dumb at work. I’m always behind and asking for help with how to do something. Even the secretary took off on a day I’m supposed to be in charge because she knows it will be awful. I keep thinking I’ll get better, but I haven’t made any progress. I love my job, I just wish I wasn’t bad.

I don’t binge in large amounts at work but I do throw up. I started throwing up just sugar and water when I have to do it. I still can’t figure out if I like this or if I hate it, but I keep doing it so it must make me feel better. When my throat is aching and burning, and I’ve controlled whatever is inside me, on the outside I feel like I’m one step closer to being what I want to be while on the inside I’m doing away with everything wrong with me. What will be left won’t be me anymore. I like to think that this eating problem is taking over me and will completely. I don’t know why though.

Anyway the last 3 days I had huge binges. I hate that word. Binges. So disgusting. I went to the grocery store and just bought whatever I thought would be good to throw up and some things that hurt to throw up, to just to say f you I could and don’t care and will feel the pain. I haven’t eaten everything though, I stored a lot neatly around me. I can’t identify my emotions really good sometimes. Like I can’t say how I feel when I binge besides thinking about how I hate myself. I’m not sure why exactly I’m doing this. I don’t know if writing this all in a diary is helpful or not because sometimes when I write this down I feel worse about myself.

So I guess I should talk about suicide. I wouldn’t kill myself but I think about it. I know how I would do it if I was going to, but I don’t want to. I hate myself. What’s wrong with me? I really used to be happy.