Starve or purge

I’ve been trying not to throw up, but then there’s only so much I can eat. Yesterday I only had a bouillon cube so 35 calories. Today I just ate part of a turkey burger (no bun) and I’m trying not to throw this up. But the break room at work is FILLED with food from family members. I could just eat all of this, there’s 3 cakes, a cookie platter, French fries, large soft pretzels. I could devour all of this right here easily. I wouldn’t because it’s not just for me but I want to eat a cookie, but all it would take is one cookie and I’d go throw it up. This turkey burger is sitting in my stomach. I want to get rid of it. This is stupid why should I even bother trying I know I’ll end up failing. I feel so alone. I want to say to someone “just stop me from eating more so I don’t go throw up” but I can’t. I’m not their responsibility anyway. But I’m sitting here in the break room alone with a turkey burger in my stomach and surrounded by food. That turkey burger was probably around 200-300 calories. So I take a sip of water instead of going for the cookie. If I can hold off just a little longer my lunch break will be over and I won’t have time to eat and throw up. Just a little longer. Another sip of water. This cookie platter is so large. Nice jelly cookies. I can make it I think. OMG but I really want to throw up!!!!!!!! There’s a packet of butter. I can eat that and throw it up. I want to hit something, like myself. Another sip of water. One of my patients arrived. This is good, I’ll get busy soon. I’m just going to look at this one cookie. I want to just go to the store and buy all the food and go home and binge/purge. This turkey burger is feeling gross inside me. All I need is just one cookie and I’ll go throw it all up.  Can I walk away from this and not go throw up? The turkey burger is making me fat already, it’s already digesting. I can’t do this! I have 7 more minutes. I can just shove this food in. One cookie then I’ll throw up. Ok I’ll just not eat this. Nothing to eat today except the turkey burger.