Sad

It’s been a while since I’ve had free time at work, but I had some time today so I went into a patient’s room who had been combative with the techs. One of the techs said he wouldn’t or couldn’t eat and left with the food tray next to him. I put the tray in front of him and fed him small bites. He’s 90 years old and confused. A lot of silence went by because he took forever to chew each bite and I just didn’t feel like talking. I watched to make sure he swallowed and didn’t pocket any food in his mouth. Then after about 30 minutes, he put his hand on my arm and said “you do it right, thank you”. When he said no more food, I left and wasn’t able to get back into his room again because he wasn’t my patient and I got busy with my own patients. I think his thank you meant more to me than anyone’s has in a while.

I hadn’t eaten since yesterday afternoon, which was a small piece of cake that I immediately threw up. I used a toothbrush that time to get myself sick. It was so much easier than my fingers. Tonite I ate stuffed peppers, but that hurt to throw up. Fruit hurts also, so maybe it was the peppers, maybe too acidic and it took forever to come up. I feel like eating more just so I can get something out again.

I felt sad most of the day until I fed the man. But I’m sad again now.