Emotions

Everyone who touches me makes a comment about how bony I am. I secretly love thinking I might be but my body still has a lot of flaws and flabby areas. I don’t eat anything that I don’t throw up except for my bouillon cube and sometimes fruit. I try to avoid eating fruit though, lots of sugar in it and surprisingly a lot of calories. 1 Apple is 110 calories. 1 banana can be as much as 200 calories. I only allow myself 400 calories to keep down in a day. I usually don’t get near there. My cube is 35 calories. Then I put a milk substitute in my coffee like coconut, almond or pea protein milk, so that’s 100 calories. My kombucha drink is 40 calories. Even though I drink a lot I noticed I’m still getting dehydrated a little. I guess all the throwing up is getting rid of more fluid than I thought. I have to remember to drink enough after and not just a few sips of water or coffee because I just don’t have to pee sometimes all day. And I’ve thought about what if this kills me? I realized lots of things I used to love about life or my future have decreased. Like if I loved something about life 100% before, it’s only 50% now. Things are mattering less. My legs are covered with small bruises I guess from weight loss, but I don’t care. It’s a nice day outside, but I don’t care. I should register for classes for summer, but I don’t care. I’m not talking to my friends as much, but I don’t care. I still care about my friends and worry about them, but I just don’t feel like talking. I know this sounds like depression, but I don’t even feel depressed. It’s like all my feeling is muted, except my hate for myself. Well and I love my job that’s the same as I ever did. I’m beyond lucky to have a job I love, and especially how many people lost theirs during this pandemic I feel grateful.

Oh which reminds me I have to write this great news and I wish I had called the family to share it, but I didn’t. Anyway the man I had fed who I wrote about in a previous entry here, I actually had him as my own patient yesterday. He wouldn’t eat breakfast when I tried to feed him, he said “save it for the kids”. What a kind heart he has. But then during dinner time I set up his tray in front of him and went to get medication. When I came back- for the first time since his admission, he sat there feeding himself with gusto!! I was so happy! Unfortunately he was going to rehab last night so I won’t know the final outcome, whether this was delirium or if dementia had set in. But it was nice to see him feeding himself on his own. I stood in the hallway with the med cart and just waited until he stopped. He fell asleep almost immediately after and I came in with his crushed pills and saw his vanilla pudding unopened. So I opened it and put the pills in there then got a wet wipe for the food on his face which woke him up. He smiled though when he woke up, and I started feeding the pudding. He loved it! He asked “did you make this yourself?” I just nodded yes. He could see my smile behind the mask. I really bonded with this gentleman and was able to help in the smallest way and that’s mainly why I love my job.

Maybe I should force myself to study some things. I never completed my telemetry course. Maybe that would help if I tried to do something like that instead of watch Dance Moms repeats on Hulu on my days off. It does happen to be a nice day outside. Maybe I’ll walk the dog a little longer.

I have a box of food in my bedroom waiting for me to eat and throw up. It’s filled with different things like chocolates, crackers, nutrigrain bars. Things are easier to throw up now. I use a toothbrush instead of my fingers, which seems to make it come out more forcefully and so I have to throw up less times after each binge. I throw up until I feel just acid so I know my stomach is empty.