Its not a good day

Today didn’t start very well. I woke up at 4am after a very vivid nightmare and couldn’t fall of to sleep again. So I just went to the lounge and cried quietly to myself. I have been sharing things on Facebook, which was not a good idea, cos 2 people that usually never speak to me, suddenly wanted to know if I was ok and what was going on. That was sort of a good thing, it made me feel better to know that there are people in the world who still care about other people.

I don’t know what I want anymore. I don’t know what I am doing with my life. I don’t really see any future. I am living each day as it comes, without the thought of what comes next. Which is most unlike me. I used to be very ambitious. Very driven. But now I feel like nothing that used to make me uniquely me exists anymore. I look inside my mind and I don’t recognize the thoughts there anymore. I don’t know who this person is that is having them. And it is not just my thoughts, I feel like everything about me, is no longer me. I don’t do the things I used to enjoy doing anymore.

Life has lost its colour to me. I feel like I just like sitting in a dark room all by myself and just…. I don’t know. I don’t feel for anything anymore. I don’t enjoy anything anymore. Sometimes I feel like I want to stop existing and sometimes I want to exist. I want to fight to get out of the lonely depressed and anxious place that I am in. I don’t know how much fight I have left in me. I don’t know how much longer I can keep up this fight. Although I know it is something I need to do. To not be selfish to those around me. But sometimes…. I so desperately want to be selfish