I am suicidal

Hello

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I am not sure yet how long or short this will be. It is my first time writing something like this, I normally never share my feelings.

I am a 35 year old IT Operations Manager for a large company. I am from South Africa. I have a beautiful house. A great job. I have a good car. I am fairly good looking. I am smart, funny, sarcastic, witty, caring. I love making people happy, I love spoiling the people I love. And I am suicidal.

I have been in a loveless, sexless marriage for the last 10 years. And I very badly want out of it. And I am almost there, I am almost out of it. But I am still suicidal. I have no support from anybody, other than my paid therapist. But no support from my family, who all support my soon to be ex wife. No support from friends, of which I don’t have very many. No support from the people I love and care for. No support from the people I have spoiled.

I have never before in my life felt so alone, so depressed. I really, more than anything, just want it all to end. And I almost did it, 2 weeks ago. I almost took my own life. I had a knife in my hand and I ran it over the veins on my left wrist. But the knife I chose, was blunt. And then my soon to be ex wife found me in the kitchen with the knife in my hand and took it away from me, called my parents over, and I just sat and cried, like a baby, for 3 straight hours. I wanted to stop existing. I want to stop existing. I just want the feeling of being alone and of being abandoned by the people I need to go away.

I am still determined to do it, you see. But like I said, I am smart(arrogantly so), so I can’t do it now. I can’t do it while everybody is watching for signs of me wanting to do it. I need to put on a show first. I need to lull them into a false sense of security. I need them to think it is safe to leave me alone. Because right now I am never allowed to be alone near dangerous objects. All the knives in my house have been locked in the safe, with the key hidden away from me.

The time isn’t right also, because I have a niece who turns 13 in December. She is somebody I absolutely love. And I can’t do it now, not so close to her birthday. She is leaving childhood, becoming an adolescent, she is becoming a teenager. So I can’t spoil that for her. As selfish as my decision is, it would be even more selfish to do it so close to her birthday. So I will have to do it after.

This is something that I think has compounded my depression and anxiety. The feeling of being utterly alone, the feeling of loving somebody so much and being toyed with. It has all become too much. I am very good at pretending, so if you ever meet me, you will never say that these are thoughts of feelings I am living with. I can smile, I can crack jokes and look perfectly happy. It is all a lie though. I sometimes wonder how many of us go through life pretending we are ok in the hope that one day we really can be ok.

But it does not matter anymore. I only need to pretend a little while longer. And then, it will end.

If you read this to the end, thank you again. I was not intending on this post being this long when I started it.