The big S.

My bf and I always had a pretty good sex life. I’m being modest, it’s fucking awesome. Our sexual chemistry is hard to put into words. It’s like, he was made for me and I, him. He’s always SUPPORTIVE. Lately, with this whole childhood nightmare, I’ve been distant. We talk about it all the time, he listens, he supports, he gives encouraging words, he wipes my tears, he’s just there for me. SUPPORTING me, every step of the fckin way. We haven’t had sex in a few weeks. I’m just not in the mood. He understands, and he never pushes me but, I feel bad. I shouldn’t given the situation. But it just takes me back to when I was pregnant with my daughter. I couldn’t have sex Bc her biological father literally made me sick. His smell, his breath, everything made me sick when I was pregnant. So he cheated. His excuse was Bc I threw up after sex and Bc I was always sick. He had to get it from someone else. Yep. My ex husband ladies and gents. My bf isn’t like that tho. Thank God. But I feel bad not being in the mood. Today, I’m kind of in the mood, so I told him I’d shower and see what’s up. But here I am on open journal writing about it instead of actually doing it.  I guess I needed to write it out so I can show myself how ridiculous I sound. Of course he wouldn’t expect me to be in the damn mood! I’ve been an emotional, mental wreck the past few days ! My cousin told me that lately sex just grosses her out. After telling me what she told me she’s been distant. From everyone. I feel like if I have sex and want to be intimate with my bf I’m wrong for not feeling as equally like shit. It’s like in my head I’m asking myself if it’s the appropriate thing to do. Am I wrong if I want to be intimate? Im scared that if I try with him, im not going to be into it.  Ok, I should really get out of the tub now Bc I’m literally going to ramble myself to fcking death. Nite.