Mother dearest.

My mother and I. Me and my mother. We just DONT GET ALONG. We love each other, BUT there’s a disconnect between us.  my mom continues to fall into unhealthy relationships. especially the one that she’s in now. Ugh. I can’t stand him. He cheats on her,  talks down to her, makes her feel like shit, yet she finds her way back to him, and calls it love. LOVE!? We constantly argue about him. Actually my whole family argues with her about him. Yet she goes back to him. She and I always had a rocky relationship, since I was a kid. I think it’s because I never really felt like she was a mother to me. A provider, YES. But a mother, absolutely not. She tries tho. But, the lil kid in me, can’t get over, how she use to leave me alone, when I was 4 years old, so she can go to work, or how, I was getting molested right under her nose. RIGHT UNDER HER NOSE. But that’s for another post. So the guy she’s with is a complete douche. She’s cried over and over about him. Then she finally left him. I was so proud of her. I was like wow, she’s actually living her life without him. That was in November. We’re in feb, and they’re back together.  Just like that. ::snaps fingers:: when I said something about it, she got upset. She brought up my ex, and reminded me of how blind I was to the bull shit he put me through. Reminded me of how I dealt with him and took him back when he abused and cheated on me. A card that she’ll play til her last breath, I swear. She’s right. I did take a lot of shit. But 11 years later, I’m engaged to a wonderful man, who not only treats me like a queen, but treats my daughter like a queen. So she can bring my ex til she’s blue in the face, but I left him. I left him after 3 years. We were married, and had a kid. I was 22 years old. I’m 33 now. How can you hold something over my head that happened 11 fcking years ago!? Everyone has to learn at their own pace, but don’t try to use something against me That doesn’t have anything to do with NOW. If I was still with that POS, then I can see where she was coming from.   But NOW, in this moment, that situation has no relevance. This man, is the straw that broke the camels back. I’ve been there for my mom when she’s needed me, and I guess she’s been there for me too. If my kid needs something, she gets it, if it’s anything that has to do with my kid she’s there for her. She tries to buy my love with little gifts here and there, I just say thank you and go about my day. She’s even offered to pay for half of my wedding .  But in the back of my mind, I feel like that’s just something she wants to do to have bragging rights or another card to hold over my head. Financially, she’s always been there. Even when I was being an asshole. But I’ve never gotten the attention from her that I’ve always wanted. I don’t know when’s the last time she’s hugged me. She says I love you, to me sometimes, and it just feels like she doesn’t Mean It.  Maybe it’s bc one day when I was a kid, she said she wished she didn’t have me. Maybe it’s bc there’s always a guy that comes between us.( Except for my beloved stepfather who passed away a few years back. )maybe Bc, I feel in my heart that, I love her, but I don’t like her. Maybe I feel like we’re just never going to get along, it’s been this way my whole life. Welp, what can I do? ::Kanye shrug::