Out of my mind, back in 9 days

I’m sitting here beneath my new fiber optic Christmas tree. Every other light in the house is off.
I just got done watching License to Wed—the movie with Robin Williams. In the end, I was crying.
The whole movie is about this course the couple has to go through before marriage in order to tell if they’re going to make it. And I kept thinking… when will I know if we’re going to make it? I mean, I feel so lost right now. I can’t even think about Grant coming home without getting all panicky. And I can’t think about him being gone without crying. I seem to be stuck in this place where I just can’t think about him… at all.
I know the 17th is close. Everyone tells me “oh, it’s not long now.” Bullshit. Every moment is a fucking eternity. If he isn’t home now—right this very minute—then it feels like it doesn’t matter if his homecoming is a month or a year away. People try to tell me “it’ll be ok,” and “things will be different when he’s back,” and I want to shout at them, “Really? Has your husband been gone for 11 months? Has he spent more time overseas that with you since you two met? NO?? Then, shut the hell up!” I don’t mean to be rude… I mean, I appreciate the concern and care… but don’t say something just for the sake of saying something.
 
Mom and Michael came over today. I have a very clean apartment. Mom and I went shopping, and I got a small Christmas tree and a set of sheets for the new bed. I also picked up some wrapping paper so Mom could help me wrap the gifts I’ve already gotten. I still have a lot of shopping to do.
We had lunch at IHOP after getting pedicures. That was fun.
 
My mind is just so scattered right now.
 
 
I think I’ll go do some dishes… and switch the laundry over…
 
iTunes and cleaning… good for the soul, I tell you.