Looking toward the future…

…by letting go of the past…

It’s been over a year. I don’t miss you.
When we first ended, it was hard. Every song on the radio reminded me of something we did or something you’d said, every major event – or small annoyance – was something I couldn’t fathom not sharing with you. Slowly, I got used to your absence. Over the weeks and months, I began to remember the times we’d shared without the sadness. Once a constant (though ever aimlessly drifting) in my life, a year later, memories are all that remain. The thing is I like it that way. You are like my high school years—fun to think about and laugh at the stupid and outlandish things we did… I wouldn’t trade those memories for the world, but I wouldn’t pay a dime to relive them either.
I’m finally ok. You’ve never actually known me when I was ok, because I was damaged long before we met. The right cocktail of drugs, a wonderful marriage, and my family close by have helped me to finally find the peace I’ve searched for. I no longer feel as if X has to happen, I have to be Y, and someone else needs to do/be Z, in order for me to be happy. I simply am happy, whether XY&Z ever come to pass… my life is as it should be.
I know you emailed my mom a few months ago. You knew things—wrote things—that made it obvious that you either read my diary or have someone feeding you information. My bet is on the former, which is why I’ll make this public. Make no mistake though—I am writing, as always, for me. If you are reading this, I know it’s because you think you still care about me… and you don’t understand that truly caring about me and what I want would have meant letting me go when I left Texas.
I dreamt the other night that you were in my living room making a case for a second (or fiftieth?) chance. I remember arguing with you and trying to explain. I woke up really bothered. I was and am upset for two reasons: first, I don’t like the idea of being ambushed by someone I’ve walked away from, even if it’s only in a dream; and second, I am certain that at some point, my dream will become reality. Though you’d never make it pass my gun and into my living room, I still worry that I’ll come home one day to find you on my doorstep or will hear a knock at the door and find you waiting. While I’m getting better about accepting all of things (XY&Z) that are out of my control, I’ve got to say, I can’t get past this one. I hate thinking that you’ll show up eventually… it’s just a matter of when. I didn’t worry about that when I said goodbye to Shane. I wouldn’t need to worry about it if I decided to walk away from Faye… but something in me knows that what I want will never matter as much to you as what you think you want at that moment.
If you are reading this, the key points you should take from this are: 1) I am ok; 2) I do not want you in my life; 3) I love the memories we shared, but I will absolutely call the police without hesitation if you show up at my door (and refuse to leave immediately).
That said, it’s been over a year… it is time to focus on the future, don’t you think?