Cloud Nine with Back Aches
I’ve wanted to write an entry for days, but between the meds, the ‘aqua’ therapy, time with Ian, Sara visiting, and the general crap I have to do, I’ve been a busy girl.
I’m stuck (in that I bounce between) two very strong feelings. First, the love I have for Grant… who continually amazes me; second, my utter despair at my current condition.
There’s a new country song called “THEN” which describes kind of how I feel. I never knew I could love Grant as much as I love him now. And I never knew I could love someone this much and manage to live apart from them without falling apart. The things I never knew could fill the oceans! I never knew static laced phone conversation could be hilarious rather than infuriating. I never knew being woken up could be so much fun. I definitely never knew closing your eyes and imagining really hard can ease the loneliness… especially when the phone rings at that moment and it’s him. But the biggest thing I never knew… the most important thing that everyone told me, but I refused to learn… I never knew I didn’t have to have all the answers. I never knew I didn’t need a plan. I never knew how to ‘wing it.’ Oceans, I tell you. Oceans.
There’s another song, by Garth Brooks, called “She’s Every Woman”… and Grant is every man for me. He’s every bad boy I wanted to rein in, every good boy whose heart I shouldn’t have broken, every friend who I should have known better. Every day with him is different, but he’s stable and predictable in his awkward way. Most of my life I’ve felt as if I were living because it would hurt too many people if I were to let go; now, I almost actually want to be here. I came back to Texas this time—while Grant goes off again to distant lands—to find something to live for, something that I wanted, something that made me happy. And though I haven’t even started yet, I am certain of one thing… Grant makes me happier than anything else. Talking to him, thinking about him… knowing that he’s my husband, my big fish. There’s nothing that compares to finally realizing—really knowing—that the fairy tale ending everyone wants is your beginning.
The flip side (the other emotion I bounce to) is this issue with my back. ‘Aqua’ therapy is humiliating. It’s ridiculous what I can’t do. And I have a big problem with being weak—especially physically. I’ve never been the pretty girl, the skinny girl, but I’ve always been as strong as a horse. Now… not so much. It’s a lot harder on my self-esteem than I’d imagined. Even though I know it’s bunk, the voice of my father and grandfather whispering ‘weakness is unacceptable’ rings though my mind. Even when, at 16, we found out I was ‘weak’ of mind (bipolar), I was still physically strong. Now what do I have? Emotional strength? Please… I don’t even know what that means.
UGH… it’s late. I’m going to concentrate on Grant as much as possible… on the memories, on the (tentative) plans, on getting through the pain to be whole when he gets back.
On the lighter side, there’s a BBQ tomorrow at Mom’s house. My little sister is in town, and I think most of my step-dad’s family will be coming out. It should be a nice party. I’m in charge of chips and dip. 🙂 I’ll try to remember to take pictures for my next entry.
**Songs referenced have lyrics provided below**
THEN
Brad Paisley
I remember
Trying not to stare
the night I first met you
You had me memorized
three weeks later
in the front porch light
taking forty five minutes
to kiss good night
I hadn’t told you then
I thought I loved you then
(Chorus)
now you’re my whole life
now you’re my whole world
I just can’t believe
the way I feel about you girl
Like the river meets the sea
strong then it’s ever been
we’ve come so far since that day
and I thought I loved you then
I remember
Taking you back
To right where I first met you
you were so surprised
there were people around
but I didn’t care
I got down on one knee
right there once again
I thought I loved you then
(Chorus)
now your my whole life
now you’re my whole world
I just can’t believe
the way I feel about you girl
Like the river meets the sea
strong then it’s ever been
we’ve come so far since that day
and I thought I loved you then
(break)
I can just see with you
with a baby on the way
I can just see you when your hair is turning gray
what I can’t see
Is how I’m never gonna love you more
but I’ve said that before
now you’re my whole life
now you’re my whole world
I just can’t believe
the way I feel about you girl
You’ll look back some day
at this moment that we’re in
and ill look at you and say
and I thought I loved you then
and I thought I lovedyou then
SHE’S EVERY WOMAN
Garth Brooks
She’s sun and rain, she’s fire and ice
A little crazy but it’s nice
And when she gets mad, you best leave her alone
cause she’ll rage just like a river
Then she’ll beg you to forgive her
She’s every woman that I’ve ever known.
She’s so New York and then L.A.
And every town along the way
She’s every place that I’ve never been
She’s makin love on rainy nights
She’s a stroll through Christmas lights
And she’s everything I want to do again.
It needs no explanation
Cause it all makes perfect sense
For when it comes down to temptation
She’s on both sides of the fence.
No it needs no explanation
cause it all makes perfect sense
When it comes down to temptation
She’s on both sides of the fence.
She’s anything but typical
She’s so unpredictable
Oh but even at her worst it aint that bad
She’s as real as real can be
And she’s every fantasy
Lord she’s every lover that I’ve ever had
And she’s every lover that I’ve never had