Advise for a Doormat?

 
It’s never been a big secret that I despise Leila’s boyfriend, Tim. He’s an oaf, an ass, a violent and belligerent drunk, and he done things that should have gotten him arrested. That said; I don’t even know that it’s that I hate him, but I hate their relationship. She won’t leave him because she’s too insecure—absolutely, without a doubt, the dumbest smart person I know.
 
Leila and Tim started dating four years ago. They originally met years before, when Tim was dating one of Leila’s friends. The two didn’t particularly keep in contact, so when they met by chance in a bar four years ago, they had a lot of catching up to do. They sat in the bar, flirting and talking and drinking. By the end of the night, Leila asked Tim if he’d like to come back to her place. He moved in that night. Oh, it was no one’s intention that he move in right away, but that’s exactly how it worked out.
I met Tim a few days later, when it was apparent, at least to me, that he was moving in—and that this was a colossally bad plan. Being the helpful person I am, I tried to talk to both him and Leila. I warned Leila that she didn’t really know Tim, and I informed Tim of Leila’s … high maintenance. Looking back, I’m not sure I should have been so discrete, though I’ve been criticized for intervening at all. My view has always been if you see an accident about to happen, you do your best to stop it. In any case, neither listened. The couple charged, ill-equipped, full steam into a relationship that has tortured both of them for the last four years… and neither of them is smart enough to get up and do anything about it.
Tim has cheated on Leila repeatedly, and he gets caught every single time. You see, for someone who’s reasonably good looking, he’s not terribly bright. In fact, he’s probably the dumbest person I’ve ever met. Still, he looked at porn on Leila’s computer—after being told expressly that it was forbidden—he engaged in online relationships with several women, and had full-blown sexual relationships with at least two other women.
That, dear readers, is the good side of Tim. The bad side comes out when he starts drinking. When Tim begins drinking, he becomes belligerent and violent. Several times, I’ve had a front row seat to his rage. He gets out of control, slamming things, grabbing people, breaking down doors if someone tries to hide from him (i.e. me). Generally, his rage has focused on Leila, but once or twice, he’s managed to aim it at me.
One time in particular, he was angry with me for insinuating that he “couldn’t understand something” and assumed I was implying he was stupid (in actuality, it was a man v. woman thing). He literally threw me across the living room. My feet left the ground; I cleared the coffee table and landed on a side table next to the couch. I had a bruise the size of Texas on my hip for weeks. After that incident, I gave Leila an ultimatum. Warning: You should not give ultimatums you cannot back up. I told her it was him or me: their relationship or our friendship. Three guesses as to whom she chose.
I spent the next six months ignoring her, but as time went on, my resolve failed. I let Leila, and as a result, Tim, back into my life. There has been continued drama, but Tim has managed to control himself in my presence. He will not physically touch anyone while I’m there, because every time he even considers getting irate, I grab my cell phone and tell him, “One false move, and I will have the cops throw your sorry ass in jail.” That method worked really well, until a few weeks ago.
Leila, Tim, Claudia and I were all sharing a hotel room in Marble Falls so we could attend the rodeo without having a long drive afterward. The evening started out ok, but it became evident fairly quickly that Tim was not capable of behaving. When Leila went to talk to a man about buying a horse, Tim threw a fit. When Leila wouldn’t fight with him in public about it, he sat and pouted. When we all decided to leave, he threw another fit—in my car. Claudia and I both told Leila that this was bullshit, and that we wanted to just have someone pick him up or take him home. Instead, she assured us that she could calm Tim down, so we continued with our evening.
Back in the hotel room, things seemed to be going ok. Tim wasn’t in the best of moods, but he was quietly playing the game with us. Then, when everyone was about ready to crash for the night, Tim threw another fit. I don’t even recall how it started. I remember Leila pointing out how much he’d had to drink and that he might want to slow down.
What I remember most clearly is the attack on me. It wasn’t physical, but I almost wish he’d have hit me instead. After I told him to just calm down and stop being an ass, he told me I didn’t have a right to talk to him like that. He said I was such a bitch that my own husband went to Iraq to escape me. He told me, point blank, that Leila told him the only reason I was still married was because Grant didn’t have to deal with me (a fact Leila adamantly denied).
I lost it. I didn’t scream or yell or throw anything. I broke down and cried. My one most vulnerable place… that my husband doesn’t love me enough to stay home. I know in my head its nuts, but the insecurity of all the other men in my life who’ve told me I’m not good enough, combined with Tim’s cruel and matter-of-fact tone… I lost it.
Leila and Claudia were pissed. They told him he was an ass and tried to console me. Within a few minutes, I had regained composure and was determined to sleep just enough to make my drive home safe.
As we all laid down to go to sleep, Leila decided she was hungry and wanted to go get something from the continental breakfast (yes, it was about 5am by that point). She came back, ate, and was planning on going to sleep. Instead, she decided that, since Tim has passed out, she would take advantage of the situation, on my behalf, and get back at Tim.
It was a bad idea. A really bad idea. But then, as I said: the dumbest smart person. She decided to write “ASS” on his forehead. Then she decided to get pictures. Then, she changed “ASS” to “ASShole”. Then, she wanted to try to write “I’m a” above it. That’s when he caught her. He woke up just after she wrote “I’m a”.
He was PISSED. When he got up and saw his face in the mirror, he lost it. Leila tried to laugh about it… we had talked earlier in the night about playing a prank on the first to fall asleep. But he was too pissed to listen, and it probably didn’t help that he was still really drunk. Claudia and I were trying to be as quiet and still as possible, hoping the argument would pass quickly if we stayed out of it.
Then, Tim walked over to Leila and grabbed her by the back of her head (had a fistful of hair). “You think it’s fuckin’ funny to write on someone? Let’s see how you like it!”
She screamed at him to let her go, but he didn’t right away.
“NO! You wrote on me! I’m gonna fuckin’ write on you!”
She screamed again, and I jumped out of bed. I commanded him to let her go. He did, but stood toe to toe with me. I told him to get out. It was my hotel room. It was registered in my name, and I paid for it, and I wanted him out right now. He looked right at me and said, “No, I’m not fuckin’ leaving!”
“Get out, or I will call the cops and have you arrested,” I told him calmly.
His response?
“You gonna tell them you’re being a fucking bitch? Huh? You gonna tell them you’re being a fucking bitch?”
I repeated myself, slowly and calmly, though every blood vessel I had was throbbing.
He stood, chest bowed, looking right in my face (I was working hard not to gab—EW! Alcohol breath!).
“Well, are you gonna tell them you’re being a bitch?”
I stepped around him, and grabbed my phone. I dialed 911, while he hollered at me, “Good, yeah, you call the cops! You tell them how she wrote on me! That’s assault!”
When the operator came on the line, and I began to give her Tim’s information, he took off. He got his shoes on and left. Leila whispering to me, “Don’t give them his name! Don’t tell them where we are… just say we’re ok and hang up.”
I didn’t. But by the time the cops showed up, Leila had left to go find Tim, so the cops didn’t find him first. The rest of the night was a blur. I ended up being the only one to sleep in the hotel, and then for only a few hours.
The next day, I informed Leila that I was done with Tim. Never again would he and I be in the same place at the same time. I learned, from before, that she didn’t value our friendship enough to rid herself of this toxic relationship, but I would not place myself in danger any more. Period.
 
For the last month, Tim and I have had no contact. When Leila came up to spend a few days, she came without Tim. Also, Tim was told that if he attempted to reach Leila on my phone, he would be promptly and rudely hung up on. It seemed to be working. I wasn’t bugging Leila about her ostrage routine (sticking her head in the sand about Tim’s actions rather than dealing with him). Tim was out of sight and out of mind.
 
Until last week. You see, when Leila came over, she wanted to get started journaling again. I am the journal queen. Literally, I could open a store with all the notebooks and journals I collect. So, when she asked if she could have one of the notebooks I have lying around, I grabbed one, flipped through it, didn’t see anything, and tossed it in with her stuff. What I didn’t know is that I’d done some flow-writing in that journal… about her among other things.
Now, I’ve always been honest with people about how I feel about them. And Leila knows exactly how I see her… and exactly how much I disapprove of some of the things she does… but still, the point of a flow journal is that no one else is ever supposed to read it.
When Leila got home, and opened the journal to write, she realized I’d already written in it. Rather than reading it, as she knows what a violation that is, she set it next to her purse, thinking she’d give it back to me the next time she saw me.
Tuesday night, I got a call while I was shopping at Target. Apparently, according to Leila, Tim picked up the journal, thinking it was hers, and started reading. When he realized it was mine, he kept reading. Then, after reading my private thoughts, he called Leila and recounted to her every detail of what it said.
Two things: One, why did she need to tell me that? It wasn’t as if she asked me to explain what I wrote… it was fairly self explanatory, and nothing she hadn’t heard in one form of another before. And two, why, for the love of fuck, did she leave MY journal out where Tim, who has stolen and read her journals in the past, could get his slimy hands on it?
Once again, though, Leila is sticking her head in the sand. She isn’t doing ANYTHING about it. Nothing. I doubt she even told him what a pathetic, slimy rat he is.
 
I, on the other hand, am having serious doubts about how much more of Leila I want in my life. If something as small as loaning her a notebook can come back to haunt me, because of her relationship with this cockroach, is it really worth it anymore? If she doesn’t value our friendship, why should I?
I am just appalled. I know I should have been more careful… but I feel violated. I feel absolutely exposed and disgusted. Every time I think about him sitting on that cat infested couch with his stinky hands holding yet another cigarette, reading my most private thoughts… there just aren’t enough showers. I’d have rather seen naked pictures of my posted online. That’s just my body… I can get past that. This bastard took an unauthorized tour of my mind. He should rot in hell for all of eternity.
Still, she does nothing.
I have had so much trouble even writing this entry, and I haven’t written in my flow journal since this happened. Every time I start, I get this uneasy feeling. What if someone reads it? How private can it really be? Maybe I should buy a safe… or write in code… why should I have to do those things?? Flow writing always made me feel so much better. It helped me work through my anger and frustration. It helped me see the distortion in my mind. It made the difference between what I felt and what the bi-polar monster said I felt completely obvious. And I feel like Tim took that away from me. And my friend, this woman who claims to be my BEST friend, has not done anything. I don’t even feel like she really gets it. I feel like she placates me when she says she understands.
In addition to feeling violated by Tim and ignored by Leila, I am beginning to feel as if I don’t matter to Leila. I am beginning to think she is a true sociopath, and that my emotions are wasted on her. I believe that if I walked away from her tomorrow, she would move on without missing a beat.
I figure there are three possible explanations for her actions:
–          She is a complete and total sociopath who is absolutely incapable of basic human emotions.
–          She is capable of emotions, but she doesn’t value our friendship enough.
–          She is capable of emotions and values our friendship, but she is one of those pathetic women who needs a man, and therefore, cannot let go of Tim, no matter how many times he mistreats her, let alone anyone else.
None of those options looks good for the future of our friendship. And after this journal incident, I refuse to back down, and I will make it a point not to forget. This is a serious violation. This is a serious injury. I need her to understand that and take the appropriate action… or I need move on.
 
 
 
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I just talked to Leila. I tried to tell her how I felt, but she seems to think it’s an attack. How do I say, this is how I feel. This is how I see the situation. I need help with my view of it to be ok in our friendship. She seems to think I believe that my view is fact. I’ve been to lots of shrinks. I know better. Really.
With everything else going on in her life, she doesn’t want to have to deal with this too right now. I understand that she has a lot going on. But being violated and seeing nothing done about it is not something I can just put on the back burner until it’s convenient.
What am I supposed to do now?
 
 
 
As always… I welcome your thoughts…