Quilted Fire

Purpose is the hardest thing to find and the most important. I know it’s a bit simplistic to put it that way but obfuscation is dangerous as it can seem like a purpose, it hides and distracts, all ends seem as important as each other from the perspective of an outsider, which is what we essentially start as, outsiders trying to grasp ourselves, small details arise over time, we hold onto some and discard others as is necessary and normal. At times I’ve felt certain that my task at hand was absolute, an imperative that can’t be surpassed and it’s no simple thing when you find that it was just another distraction. No, it casts doubt over everything else. I envy people to whom purpose comes easily, who are engaged simply, although some people are lulled into a sense of it by a lack of thought, usually due to excess action, as everyone knows, life at times can become so challenging that we begin to neglect the parts of it we admire.

I think the hardest thing is to make another person happy, it’s not a noble goal as it’s portrayed, not for me at least, it’s a selfish desire, pleasure through abstraction. Noble charity is such nonsense, all acts are done from desire, even if that act happens to prioritise someone or something else above yourself they are done out of a desire to do them, otherwise, they wouldn’t be done at all. Even in extremes, with a gun to my head, and a terrible ultimatum, me or someone else, if I pick me, that’s still selfish, because fundamentally it means I believe it’s more important for them to be here, than it is for me, it is my desire.

People don’t like this, but that’s not terribly surprising, most people are terrified of pleasure or of responsibility, some people live their whole lives trying to blame others, to blame their circumstances, and it’s so easy to do so because it’s socially encouraged, how unfair things are, how unappreciated they are, it is destructive, what can you possibly accomplish without bearing the weight of the task? Without responsibility for it? Nothing, because then it’s not your accomplishment, you are still just a victim of cirsumstance, however this time circumstances led to a favourable end. 

Complaining is a legitimate act when thought is put into it and as above, all important, one takes responsibility for it, complaining and then putting in no effort to change it, or expecting others to change it, is called whining.

Purpose is particularly frustrating as there are no simple answers, the worrying thing is that there might not be an answer, because all of it is just a construct of the mind, which we realise after the event, high school is the easiest example, the things we thought were important then, are mostly different to now.

That’s not to say I am without solace, there are things I am glad for, appreciative of, which I’ve no hand in, they are difficult to describe, even if I can’t find a purpose for myself, I can find one for everything else, the easiest one is people, perhaps that’s why relationships are so satisfying, when you meet someone who has existed for years, grown and developed, studied and experienced, and when you get along with this person, it’s this incredible cosmic feeling isn’t it? As though the universe knew, intended it for us, to find this person and to know them. For me that gives a sense of purpose to the universe, the people I know, they explain it to me.

Obviously meaning is something outside of inherent to the universe, as it is always applied, but it’s nice anyhow, it’s at those sort of moments, in my case when I meet someone I like, that I feel as though all the incredible energy and chance put into the universe, is worth it, because a few handful of people exist.

However that doesn’t give me my own purpose, which I still struggle with, it’s very academic sounding I suppose, but for me it’s quite integral, one can do astounding things when they have purpose, otherwise I find at least I just tend to swim about in my little pond, admiring the lillies and sunlight, the way the light refracts, admiring the colours, but to no end, it’s pleasurable, it’s worthwhile, but it’s not a purpose.