+The Joys of Autumn

I love autumn.  I love the change in colors, the crisp cool mornings, the sunny-but-not-too-hot days, the bracing-but-not-too-cold evenings.  I also like it because it’s the end of summer break.

I don’t do well without a schedule, without structure.  My work during the school year is a bit unpredictable, but it certainly fills up the ol’ planner.  Most of the things I do at my church shut down for the summer, too.  So I’m left a bit at loose ends – and job searching is my least favorite thing to do in the entire universe.

This autumn… is not yet living up to its promise.

We had a couple really cold days… and then summer resumed with a vengeance.  It is unseasonably warm.  Not unpleasantly so, just not like autumn.

And my boss told me on the first day of classes that she couldn’t hire me this term because of budget cuts.  But she’d put in a good word for me with another department that had hired me in the past.

They are also suffering budget cuts.  But they could offer me 5 hours a week.  Yay.  That’ll sure pay the bills.  I’ll take it, of course, but I need something a good deal more.

I should’ve found a better job over these last three years.  I’ve known it the whole time.  I have been allowing the university to exploit my labor shamelessly.  They pay me a ludicrously low wage, given my talent, and there are no benefits whatever.

I have permitted this to happen for several reasons.  I enjoy the work thoroughly.  I have met some great new people.  I have stretched myself considerably (I’ve tutored several classes where I had to learn the material along with the student).  I have helped people in a really tangible way – several have told me they are still in school solely due to my efforts with them.  And I have been able to do a bit of evangelization on the side, not without some success.

And then, of course, there’s inertia.  The dread of job-searching.  This job, while very far from lucrative, has met my needs, and that’s all I really require.

Drat.

I am wondering if God is trying to tell me something with this.  It’s all too suspicious that I’ve finally been hearing back from the Society I’ve been applying to in the last week.  (The vocation director has been out of town filling in for a pastor in another state for the last six weeks.)

Oh, guess I haven’t written about that…  I finished my autobiography in record time with ease, then found myself unable to revise it.  My mind plays such weird tricks on me at times!  I dithered for way too long on it, then asked Chris to look it over.  When he said it was fine, I stuffed it in an envelope and sent it off without even looking at it again.

Anyway, the vocation director wants me to come down and visit for half a week or so.  That seems a lot more viable now time-wise, that’s for sure.  Though not as viable financially.  Though I can dip into my inheritance from Grandma (the legal details finally all got worked out last month) if I really have to for that, I’d really prefer not to.
  And I’d REALLY prefer not to use it to pay bills – it would be all too easy to drift that way until it’s all gone, and forget that!  I hate drifting, but it does come easily.

I can tell that I have to be firmly on my guard against depression about all this;  I had a terribly hard time getting up this morning.

Good grief.  I just looked at my last entry – it’s amazing it’s been so long since I’ve written.  I guess I should mention the really good news… that the grace of the Feast of Mercy has stuck with me all the way ’til now.  I have been able to fend off temptation as never before, and it’s a great blessing!   The flip side is that I’ve been suffering from waves of anxiety;  I suspect that’s what I was covering up and burying with my fantasies, but at least now I can deal with it openly.  Hasn’t always been easy.

Yes, it’s autumn for me right now.  It ain’t summer, but it ain’t winter either.  And honestly, my personal history shows that I tend to do well during emotional autumn – sometimes it even turns into spring.  When the going gets tough, the tough get going, and all that.

Over this summer I read a booklet on the Mass which was absolute dynamite.  It’s showed me a lot about things I can do practically to prepare for Mass and get even more out of it.  (Not having grown up Catholic, I’ve had to pick up this sort of thing by hook and by crook. 🙂  I’ve got a number of reflections on that subject, some of which I discussed with Fr. Gerald yesterday.  I’ll write about them soon, I hope.

Loving Father, thank you for the blessings you’ve poured into my life.  Especially the ones that don’t look like blessings right now.  I know that everything that comes to me is from your hand, and that it all works together for my good so long as I keep my eyes fixed on you.

I choose, Lord, to accept this day’s cross with joy.  I know that I’ll need it to offer at the Eucharist.  But we both know, Beloved, that I can’t do anything without your grace.  Set me free from all anxiety so that I can walk always in the light as a child of the light.

Come, Holy Spirit, fill the hearts of your faithful and enkindle in them the fire of your love!  Send forth your Spirit and they shall be created, and you shall renew the face of the earth!

P.S.  Forgot to say it explicitly, but prayers about job-stuff, vocation-stuff, and emotional-stuff would be vastly appreciated.