+Keeping On

I’ve said this all too often lately, but… I can’t BELIEVE I haven’t posted since November!!  I kept reminding myself to post, and nearly did once or twice, but either didn’t have enough time or enough courage to face the blank screen. 🙂  When you’ve been away a while, the longer you wait, the harder it is to know where to even start.

Anyway… Another part of it was that all through December and the first part of January I was wrestling with the depression beast.  The triggers were stress over the loss of my job, and flashback to the events at the same time of year two years ago in Chicago.  Ugh.

I got over the latter the same way I did the last time… I borrowed a video game (the same one as two years ago) from my brother, and played it obsessively for about two days.  Then I came to my senses and realized what I was doing.  (No, I had no clue at the time what I was doing – not until after.)

I got over the former by… Getting a new job. 🙂  Very similar to the last one.  I’m a tutor at the university at a different department.  I wish now that I’d asked for a few more bucks an hour, but I was so anxious for employment I just asked for my former pay – and got it.  The interview went very well;  I had an answer that seemed to please them for every question they asked.  Plus, it helped that one of the panel was the mother of Alex, one of my most enthusiastic students. 🙂

I thought that I could go entirely private, and maybe I can someday, but right now it’s just too stress-making and unsteady for it to work for me.  I do have two fairly regular private clients, high-school calculus students.  And a few college students who hire me on an occasional basis.  People are starting to recognize me at the library;  I’ve had total strangers come up and ask how to retain my services twice in the last week alone.  (Their face usually falls when I tell them my fee, though. :P)

I can’t recall if I wrote about this before, but Roy, my brother, is doing very well.  He’s moved out of my mom’s house and has an apartment of his own.  He also has a part-time job and is taking classes at a local community college (and doing very well in them).  He hopes to get a degree in computer programming.

I did a lot of free tutoring for Juan over the break because I wanted to get him brushed up on his algebra so he wouldn’t be crippled in his calculus classes any more.  In return, totally unexpectedly, he got me a brand-new top-of-the-line HP calculator for Christmas, the one I’ve lusted after for quite a while but could never justify spending $150 on when my older one works just fine.  I was, to put it mildly, shocked and pleased!  I’ve had a lot of fun with the thing;  it blows my old calculator out of the water.

During my depressive cycle, I lost regular contact with the Lord.  Surprise, surprise.  Things are now back to something approaching normal, and my notebook is filling up once again.  Also, I’m making it back to daily Mass again.  Gee, do you think that might have something to do with the fact I’m feeling so much more at peace lately? 😛

Things are going great with the People of Praise.  I was invited to dinner last week by a guy in the branch who gives prophetic words fairly often.  He wanted to compare notes with me on what’s going on lately, as we’d had a conversation that suggested we had some commonalities of experience the last few months. We had so much fun talking that we were both shocked to look at the clock and realize it was suddenly 11:30 at night! 🙂

Marsha, after a long period of mostly ignoring me, is starting up her little crush on me again.  I had to ask Debbie to talk to her parents again.  When you get emails from a new address saying, “Isaiah, I know you said not to email you any more, but…” you know you’re in trouble.  And when I blocked her new address and then started getting letters in the mail, I knew action had to be taken.  We’ll see if it sticks this time.

Finally (for now, anyway)… Last week I did one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

Longtime readers will know that there are serious problems between me and my pastor, Fr. Jesse.  He’s hurt me, quite a lot.  (Nor am I alone;  I’m afraid he isn’t much of a people person.)  Anyway, Fr. Jesse announced he was going to be holding a “healing and reconciliation service” for those who feel left out, hurt, or otherwise alienated from the parish.  Well well, thought I to myself to I, this could be very good – or this could be very bad.  I decided that I really had to go, though.  How could I not give him a chance?

It didn’t start off too impressively.  His homily focussed mainly on theological and political differences.  While I have a few with him, they certainly AREN’T the main problem.

Then he, the deacons, and a couple staff members sat in chairs in front of the sanctuary, and people were invited to come up and talk with someone about the things that have hurt us.  My heart froze.

Sure, I could go talk to Debbie – I’ve cried on her shoulder about this stuff before.  Or I could go to Vicki, a really incredibly sweet lady.  Or Sr. Kate, who I don’t know that well but seems really nice.  Or one of the deacons, both of whom I have a good relationship with.  Or…  I could go talk to Fr. Jesse.

My heart pounded.  I kept remembering the line, “If your brother sins against you, go and talk to your brother.”  After some serious screwing-up of courage, I went and sat in the chair opposite him… and poured out an awful lot of hurt.  I did my utmost to speak the truth without getting nasty or trying to wound – I don’t think I was 100% successful but it was certainly better than what my “first draft” thoughts were. 😛

Wow.  I couldn’t stop crying.  My pinkies went numb, for some reason.  He said some things to me, I really don’t remember what they were, except that he apologized for something and said he hoped we could continue to build bridges.

After I went back to my pew, I kept on crying steadily until a lady I don’t really know came and held my hand for a while.  That helped a lot.  (Her name is Sue.)

Drat, I have to go.  Thank you, Lord, for the opportunity and the healing you’ve given me.