+After Long Silence…

Hello, everybody.

I’ve been busy with work, and other projects.  Didn’t mean to draw things out.  I’ve been scarce on AIM as well as OD.

I tried to update once, but OD ate the entry and I didn’t have time at the time to rewrite it. 🙁  (Note to self:  Write entries in Notepad!)  Sorry I kept you all hanging after the prayer request like that.

The whole thing was a complete anticlimax.  I brought in my application (filled out 100% truthfully) and told the receptionist I’d like to discuss something with the manager, regarding questions he might have about my app.  She said I could put something in writing on the spot if I really wanted, but she was just going to take care of things right then.  I paused to come to grips with this.

Then as she had me sign a few papers, she asked cheerfully, "I assume that your brother has moved out and you are now living in the apartment?"  I thought that one over.  It was completely correct.  "Yes."  "OK, we’ll get back to you in a few days to have you come in and sign the rental agreement."

I fled the place, wondering what to do next.  Calling up Chris (a friend in the People of Praise) got me the following advice:  "Don’t volunteer information they don’t ask for.  If they ask you questions, answer them truthfully, but you have no obligation to bring things to their attention.  You’ve done everything necessary to deal with the matter above-board."  Upon reflection, I thought that sound.  (So did Fr. Gerald.)

The result was that I signed a rental agreement a few days later.  It’s been a profound relief.

The Easter season has been a real roller coaster.  The last few weeks have been really arid for me, prayer-wise.  I need to learn to put the words I’ve been getting in perspective.  And I need to devote more time and attention to discerning how much of them is from the Lord and how much from my own flesh.  I think the latest trouble started with a profound disappointment in one of them not turning out the way I’d hoped.

Fr. Gerald’s been really busy with other stuff, so I’ll be seeing him for the first time in much too long in a couple weeks.

Our parochial vicar, Fr. Andres, is leaving.  He’ll be much missed.  We’re getting an Argentinian priest, a transitional deacon, and two seminarians to replace him, though.  Fr. Jesse jokes that it takes four to replace Fr. Andres! 🙂  Miguel is waffling around about maybe going to Reconciliation and returning to Communion before he leaves.  Pray for him, please!

Also leaving is Sr. Paula (I think that’s what I called her) who’s been running the RCIA and leaving me out in the cold.  Debbie is taking back over, with the result that I am now back on the team.  (In a nice touch that made my day, I first heard about this from Fr. Jesse, who sought me out after Mass to specifically ask me to take on the ministry again.  A nice gesture!)

Debbie is now completely overworked (she has all the stuff of her old job to do too) so I don’t know how this’ll shake out long-term.   If a position opens up for an Initiation catechist on the staff again, I’m going to apply for it.  Who knows?  Debbie certainly believes in my ability to handle the job!

If that doesn’t happen, I’m getting closer and closer to a firm decision to go back to school to get a degree in theology.  With that, I’d be finally qualified on paper to do a job like that.  What’s deciding me is that my time spent teaching Confirmation and leadership to those kids in Chicago was the most fulfilling job I’ve ever had.  Even despite all the horrible things that happened there, that remains a beacon of life for me.

In other vocation news, basically the Brotherhood has advised me to get further into the formation of the People of Praise before I get heavily involved with them.  Seems like good counsel to me… so that’s on hold for the nonce.

Finally…  Sigh.  There’s the thing that prompted this entry.

My grandmother died.   It wasn’t truly a surprise;  she was 94 and had been failing gradually the last couple years.  And she often said that she didn’t know why the Lord was keeping her around when she saw no point in living any longer. 🙁

Still, it was a shock, as she was in pretty good health.  We’d just moved her into the care center at the home she lives at, because she’d had a fall and the management there draws the line at that sort of thing.  It was stressful for her, of course;  her new room was really small, and a lot of her stuff had to be removed.  But other than being tired she seemed fine.

Apparently she picked up pneumonia, and it devastated her system in a matter of days.  My mom heard about it just on Sunday, and she and my aunt went up there to be with her.  She passed at 3:30 AM Monday morning, just after Holy Trinity had ended, having received Viaticum in a half-conscious state.  (My mom says she seemed able to mostly understand what people were saying to her right up to the end, though she couldn’t respond except to nod or shake her head.)  Please pray for her;  her name is Teresa.

It’s a strange feeling, having your last grandparent die.  It feels a little bit like you’ve lost your moorings in time;  that the ties that bind you to the past have weakened.  I feel sad and relieved and unnerved.  Not badly so;  I’ve been able to work today.  But it’s there.

As I’ve said elsewhere in this diary, my Grandma is part of the reason I’m Christian and Catholic today.  And who knows what immeasurable good has been done me by the countless Rosaries she said on my behalf!  I miss her dearly… but I can’t help but feel that she’d mostly died already two years ago or so.  She hadn’t really been herself at all.  I hope this isn’t a horrible thing to say, but it’s what I feel.  She’s been so unhappy and lifeless the last couple years…  I’m glad her Lord has received her at last.

There’s something else, too.  This is terribly selfish of me, but for some time I’ve dreaded Grandma’s death purely because of the funeral.  The thought of facing my aunt and uncle who made that horrible accusation against me years ago (I’ve written about it elsewhere) is…  difficult.  Not unbearable… and I’ve made great progress in forgiving them… but difficult.

So it’s particularly wrenching that I expressed this fear to my mom regarding the funeral this morning and she told me that I didn’t have to worry about a thing… She and her sister weren’t even going to tell that sister that Grandma’s dead!!

This is stunning to me.  Just stunning.  I mean, I know that that aunt of mine has done a lot of not-nice things.  (Her accusation against me was just one in a long series of severe problems from her quarter, many predating my birth.  I won’t go into them here.)  And she certainly has neglected Grandma for years;  she and her husband have been estranged from the restof us for years now.  But it just seems excessively cruel to me to not tell someone their mother has died!

My mom says it’s Grandma’s wish.  That she’d said many times, "I only have two daughters."  (Meaning my mom and my other aunt.)  That she didn’t want her at the funeral.  But… still.  Funerals aren’t so much for the dead, but for the living.  It just seems wrong.  And yet, for the reasons given, I’m also profoundly relieved.  Not a comfortable place to be in.

Ah Beloved.  Receive my beloved grandmother, and receive this heart of mine.  Make all things new.