…Suffering…

Today I read a short article about Newton and Einstein and the possibility that those two people suffered from Asperger Syndrome.

“…suffered from Asperger Syndrome”.

Those words stuck in my head and played themselves over and over.

A lot of the people I’ve met on AS message boards are very resentful of any negative words being associated with having AS. Honestly, at first I felt the same way. I was resentful of having a DISORDER, resentful of being FELT SORRY FOR, resentful of any negative words directed at something I have.

But I’ve realized, albeit slowly, that I do “suffer from AS”. Why, back in August, did I start looking wholeheartedly for an answer to my seemingly incurable social ineptitude? Because I was suffering.

The argument a lot of people with AS use is the fact that if the world was designed for AS people they wouldn’t have a disorder at all, if “neurotypicals” were outnumbered by those with AS the “neurotypicals” would be the odd one’s out, the disordered one’s. This argument is true, of course, but it’s true for anything.

In THIS society, RIGHT NOW, I have what’s considered a disorder because it inhibits my ability to get by simply in the world we live in RIGHT NOW. Is having a “disorder” necessarily a horrible thing? No. In todays society we need the ability to be social. I simply don’t have that ability so I’m the odd one out. It doesn’t make me any less intelligent, any less creative, any less fun or capable, just less social.

Having AS creates a multitude of problems in todays society. Understanding the complex social patterns in society will take you anywhere you want to go. Not being able to so much as return a greeting to someone creates a problem. You’re looked at as rude, insensitive, uncaring and a million other words I can think of. Having sensory sensitivities also creates a multitude of problems. Clothes shopping is weird for me. I have to feel everything I’m going to buy. I’ll walk from rack to rack rubbing with my fingers everything I might be interested in purchasing. This gets me some funny looks sometimes. I have to be sure the fabric won’t upset my skin because if it will it’s a waste of money. Very few materials are soft enough for me. My hearing is really sensitive, I can’t filter voices out and loud noises will send me running for the door faster than you can say “oops”. I can’t stand the sound of crunchy foods being chewed. I think I sometimes make hubby nuts by saying “Are you eating those damned chips again?” I’m not 100% sure but I think my sense of smell is heightened, I can usually smell things other people can’t. I’m pretty sure my sense of taste is 100% normal and I have a theory. You see, I only like really flavorful foods. I think I receive all my other sensory input at such a high level that my sence of taste seems poor to me so only flavorful foods can satisfy that sense.

AS has caused a lot of pain in my life. I never knew how to make friends and my friends were more often than not, younger than me until I got to be a teenager, at that point I started looking for adults to befriend instead of my own peers. AS has caused my peers to hate me because of my differences. I’ve been called every name in the book. I was tormented daily on the school bus. A guy once covered me and a friend of mine with baby powder on the bus. I’ve even been injured by someone who thought it would be funny to throw their book bag at my head. It hurt like hell but I didn’t cry nor did I lash out, I simply let the bookbag fall into the empty seat behind me and went back to staring out the window while the person beside me snickered. I never understood how people would just come into the school and make a ton of friends. I never understood that I had to reach out, and even if I did understand that I didn’t know what to say. I always thought I was alone because I was ugly and stupid.

By high school I accepted the fact that I’d never have friends. After the friend I did have spread untrue rumors it became impossible for me to make friends. Honestly, I was grateful when my parents stuck my in the private school, at least there I was able to just be alone, no one knew me and since I didn’t reach out they left me alone. I made a few friends in band but at least I wasn’t tormented anymore.

Regardless of who you are, if you have AS you suffer in some way, even if it’s just a small way. Even if you don’t want friends you suffer because people force socialization on you everywhere you go. Personally, I like people and I’d like to have more friends, not a lot, even just one other girl I can gossip and shop with. I still don’t really know how to make small talk or how to make a friend, the best I can do is try to be open and make myself available if someone wants to try to be my friend.

Sometimes I wish I could be normal. I wish I could attend a carnival without being overwhelmed by the sounds and just enjoy it. I wish I could walk up to someone and say “Hey, what’s up?”. I wish I could wear blue jeans and khaki pants without feeling like I’m wearing sandpaper but I can’t. So for now I have to deal with being the odd one out. If ever there were an island I could go and live with people with AS I’d go in an instant. Honestly though, if I had a choice, would I give up having AS? No, not even for a day. Suffering aside, I think my AS has given me more than it’s taken away. But I’ll save those stories for another day.

My only hope is that one day AS will be better understood by the general public. If I could say “I have AS” and people would understand it’d be a lot easier for me to get by from day to day.