Short Term Disability

I’m not doing so well. Yesterday was bad, again. I just, I can’t do anything anymore, can’t feel, can’t work, nothing. Marlene called yesterday and nothing bad happened but just hearing her voice, I had to leave, I sat out the end of the day in the car. Prior to Marlene calling I hadn’t been able to do any work. I sat at my desk going back and forth between staring at my desk and cutting at my wrist. I started hurting myself again a couple weeks ago, I did it as a kid to cope with the pain of being teased. Now I’m doing it as an adult to deal with stress of just fucking being alive.

Life is one big sick fucking joke. At least mine is. All I’ve ever fucking wanted is to be happy. But no matter what I try to do to achieve it, I fail. Why am I the one that’s picked on? What the fuck did I ever fucking do to deserve this? Nothing, that’s what! It feels like I was born to be the butt of everyone’s sick joke. The pushover that can’t say no. The loser no one wants to love.

I don’t even know who I am anymore. I used to have an identity, that kept me sane, I knew who I was and what I wanted, I knew what I believed in and stood for. Now I just try to mold myself to fit in. I know what I want out of life but I don’t know how to achieve it, and what I do know how to achieve I don’t have the damned energy for.

I’m not resigning from my job right now. But I’m putting everything on hold right now and I’m going to apply for short-term disability. Today hubby is going to find out what needs to be done, I’m going to admit myself into outpatient therapy (6 hours per day) at the hospital and I’m going to get my shit together. After I get my shit together I’m going to return to work and try to start over.

EDIT:

Hubby talked to my boss and I am definitely going on short term disability. I just have to find a doctor and we have to figure out all the technicalities to get this done.

My boss has been through this with his own wife so he was very understanding.