Pointless

I’ve come to the conclusion that today is pointless. I cannot get a damned thing done between computers crashing and Adobe locking up so I surrender. I will amuse myself with my computer for the rest of the day and then I will pack up my things and go home.

I honestly wish I saw a better job in my future. One where not only am I needed but where I can use my mind. I swear I can feel it slowly turning to mush. Even high school was more challenging then this. Nowadays the biggest challenge I have is trying to figure out how to make myself look busy when I haven’t done shit all week!

I feel good when I’m challenged but there’s just not enough challenging work to go around down here.

I think about the future a lot, not because I’m particularly unhappy now but because I want to plan ahead to make sure I’m always happy. I know I don’t want to stay here working as a underpaid pretend technical writer my entire life. Another 5 years here would probably leave me plotting to kill my co-workers.

I’d like to know where I’m headed but there’s so many dreams, so many ideas, so many options that I just don’t know what to choose. On one hand I could stay home, hubby and I could live on a relatively tight budget and I could run a no-kill cat shelter. On the other hand I could go back to school, study music and travel the world or at least the U.S in an orchestra. And on the other other hand I could go to college and study computers or business and stay in the insurance industry and maybe make a lot of money but at what expense? My other two choices would be a lot less stressful. Growing up I wanted to be a veterinarian but then I realized that I wouldn’t be able to do it, the sick, injured and/or dying animals would haunt me. I mean hell, I cry when I see a dead animal on the side of the road. My Junior year of high school I saw Psychology on the list of offered courses so I took it. Having been in and out of psychologists offices my entire life I thought hmm, that’d be an interesting profession. My teacher was amazing and I decided that was what I wanted to be when I grew up. In talking to the psychologist I was seeing at the time though I realized that may not be the best profession for me afterall. There was that same problem as I would have had with the animals, sick, sad, frustrated people would haunt me. I had a suicidal friend at the time and I already spent nights up worrying about her when she’d send me a letter begging for help. I realized I can’t do a job that deals with physical or emotional pain in humans or animals I’m too sensitive.

I’d done well in my computer courses so I considered computer science or something like that until my step-mom talked me out of it by telling me I’d never be able to manage the math.

Any time I mention work sucking to my mom I get the same old lecture. Gotta work to pay the bills. She seems to think that you aren’t supposed to like your job. I live in a world where nothing is good unless you have fun doing it. I don’t want to just do something to pay the bills. What good are paid bills if you’re miserable. Sure I can pay my rent and live in a nice house, own a car, I can work my ass off and have nice dishes and furniture and expensive clothes but what good are those things if I’m miserable on the inside? I spent my childhood watching my mom come home exhausted from work. She’d kick off her shoes, make me dinner and lay on the couch the rest of the night with alcohol in one hand and a smoke in the other. I’ve found myself doing the same thing (minus the smoking) coming home, kicking off my shoes and if the day was really bad I’ll grab a beer to help me unwind. I don’t want to become my mother, I love her to death but by god I want my life to be more meaningful than that. Electronic Manuals aren’t very meaningful.

Actually, it seems to me like my parents have always just worked to get something they value, money and possessions. My mom values things whereas my father values things and hoards cash. It’s like they’re trying to fill the emptiness in their lives with material possessions. My dad picks on my mom for spending all her money on material possessions and my mom picks on my dad for hoarding all his cash like some of greedy idiot. Thanks to both of them I’ve learned a lot about money. I’ve learned that it doesn’t mean everything but also that it shouldn’t be spent all willy nilly. 🙂 I’ve discovered that no matter how much I have, no matter how nice the house looks, no matter how nice my clothes are I feel empty unless I’m doing something meaningful. It can be something as simple as building a cat tower or a chicken coop but meaningful projects make me happy.

I have the ambition but I just need the chance. It seems like money is impossible to come by in this world. My husband and I are both so underpaid that it’s hard to even break even right now let alone save anything or pay off old debts. Any thoughts of me going to college or really doing something with my life seem so far away. Maybe someday, I just hope I don’t lose my ambition and fall into the old gotta just get through the work day to pay the bills routine. My dad used to tell me that it’s a rich mans world and now I understand what he meant by that.