It’s okay to be different

Just some thoughts going through my head tonight. I don’t feel like this is finished, it doesn’t have good continuity. I may or may not revise it in the future.

I’ve realized today that I really like who I am. I like being the mysterious, gothic looking girl that no one understands. It feels like, ever since I was a child all the pressure was on me to conform, make friends, be like all the other kids. I didn’t realize there was anything wrong with being different until the fifth grade. When I changed schools. The kids I had been in school with from Preschool to fourth grade understood me. I played with them when I felt like playing, I played alone when I didn’t. They didn’t care that I was different. They understood me. My mom doesn’t realize it but “moving to a better school system” was the worst thing she ever did. She tore me away from the kids that I had gotten comfortable around and threw me in with kids I didn’t understand and couldn’t socialize with. My mom didn’t mean to do anything wrong, she had, honestly, moved me to the best school district in Tulsa. In fourth grade it was okay to be different. In fifth grade, at the new school, it wasn’t. Fifth grade is where my life went to shit. The teasing started in hard and didn’t let up until I was moved to the Christian school in 10th grade.

I’m not different as far as just being a non-conformist. I’m different neurologically. I didn’t choose to be who I am, I don’t choose to behave differently. I don’t choose to be less social and to be lost in my thoughts all the time. But I do like it.

People seem to think I should change, I should conform, I should try to be like everyone else. This bothers me. It feels like all the pressure in society is on being the same, conforming, basically being sheep. There’s no pride in individuality.

Our society says they are proud of people who do their own thing but when they’re really put to the test they will point their fingers at you and say “why can’t you just be normal, like all the other kids”.

After I found out about AS I bought into the idea that I should try to conform and be like everyone else, but you know what? That’s not right. I’m going to quit beating myself over the head over my differences, all I’m doing is running myself into a wall over and over. I’m never going to get anywhere if I can’t just be myself. I am a unique individual, but I’m happy this way. I’m not happy when I’m trying to be like everyone else because all I do is fail at it. The value society places on conformity is wrong.

I refuse to not be different. I refuse to try to fit in. I’m going to do things my way. My true self is bound by years of conditioning…it will be no longer.

It’s okay to be different.