I Sit Alone

It was my Junior year in high school that I really realized I had something wrong with me socially. I ran away from home fairly early into my Junior year. When I was returned home I was switched to a private Christian school. It was one of those schools where you had to go in for an interview before you could enroll, your grades had to be up to their standards in order to get in. Your life had to be up to their standards as well. You actually had to promise that you were not sexually active and that you would not become sexually active while enrolled in the school, during the interview. If any of your grades dropped below a C you were on probation and if it stayed below a C for more than one semester you were kicked out of the school, it lowered the schools grade average and they didn’t like that. Also, if you became pregnant you were immediately kicked out of the school. They were nazi’s.

Anyway, my first day of school was interesting. Everyone was so friendly and nice. They all introduced themselves to me and the popular girls even invited me to sit at their table at lunch. I sat at their table for about a week before I realized I just wasn’t fitting in. It got to the point where I was just sitting there without talking to anyone. I ended up sitting at a table alone the next week and no one seemed to notice or care. This taught me something though. I thought things would be the same there as they had been at Union. I thought I was ugly and figured that was why no one wanted to be my friend. When I walked into that school though and all the beautiful popular girls wanted to meet me and tried to be friends with me. I realized I either wasn’t ugly or it wasn’t looks that mattered that much. I realized at that point that it was the way I socialized. Rather, the way I don’t socialize, even though I was trying I didn’t know what to do or say. For the first time in my life I thought I’d be part of the popular crowd, but that was over in a week.

I did end up making some friends eventually, all my friends were in the band. Of course. 🙂 Just about everyone in the little band at the Christian school ended up being my friend. I loved that group of people, they were great, they ranged from 8th graders to Seniors. Since I had been part of the Union marching band I helped out with Metro’s band camp, teaching the kids how to march when our band director decided to turn our little band into a marching band. Working with everyone and going on trips really brought us together. For once in my life I had more friends than I could count on one hand.

As much as I really wanted to move to CT it was really sad leaving everyone behind. I went back to Oklahoma a year later to visit everyone. It was the coolest thing to walk into the band room. One of the girls jumped up and ran over to give me a hug. I miss everyone so much sometimes. I know even if I had stayed there though, that we would have all drifted apart eventually, even my best friend Nancy quit e-mailing with me after she went off to college and made new friends. It happens.

I thought I’d make friends at work. But it’s just like the first day of my junior year, everyone said hi and was nice to me but nothing came of it because I’m so bad at reciprocating. I guess the age difference between me and most everyone else doesn’t help either, that and I don’t like to do things most other people like to do.

Yesterday I received an e-mail from my step-sister and one line of it really stood out. She said “I’m inviting some friends of mine from work”. Friends?? She’s lived in Maine for about a month and she already has friends?? I’ve lived in Connecticut for 4 years, I’ve worked at the same place for three and a half years and I still don’t have any friends.