How knowing about AS has changed me

This is a rough draft for something I’m writing for my web page.

Since discovering I have AS in August I’ve learned a lot about myself. A lot of things used to frustrate me, simple things. My life and my writings all consisted of little frustrations, I was getting stressed over nothing.

One thing that has stressed me out for a long time is the fact that I’m not the most social person in the world. I don’t know what to say to people in ‘small talk’ conversations. Like for instance, a guy in the elevator started talking to me about how depressing the newpaper headlines were. I just smiled at him and politely agreed but I didn’t know what else to say, I never do. I’ve always felt socially disabled because everyone else just seems to know what to say and when to say it. That’s one of the most frustrating things in my life and I have a feeling I’ll always be this way.

The other thing that had depressed me was the fact that I have no friends. Yes, zero, zilch nada, no friends whatsoever. When my husband has a meeting or lunch thing I sit by the window in the cafeteria alone and eat my lunch. When other people’s friends are missing it never fails that someone calls out to their group “Awww, so and so is all alone I’m going to go sit with her today”. No one does that for me. I’ve never understood why I don’t have friends because I seem approachable. Cashiers and waitresses all try to talk to me, people confide in me when they’re sad but when I’m sad no one cares.

It feels lonely but understanding AS has helped me ‘live with’ this fact. I understand that I’ll never be a social butterfly and I’ll probably stay isolated from most people simply because I don’t understand them and they don’t understand me. Sometimes I feel like an alien, or like I don’t belong here.

I have a lot of sensory sensitivities that have driven me nuts my entire life. In school blue jeans were cool, I had my Calvin Kleins when those were in and my JNCO’s when those were in but wearing them was utter and pure hell. Jeans are far too rough for my poor skin and I never understood how people could wear them but I wore them anyway for fear of being outcast even more. I confided a couple of times in people that “Didn’t jeans hurt to wear?” and I was looked at like I was insane.

Noises have always been a source of frustration for me, as a child I was terrified of the vaccum, the toilet and hairdryers. My dad was into motorcycles and those hurt my ears very badly. Yet, I could sleep through 70’s music on my parents couch literally right in front of the speakers when they were on Max volume. Truly a sign that I am supposed to be a musician. 🙂

I have a few food aversions mostly due to texture but some due to taste. I cannot eat seafood, some of the reason is taste, it tastes like seawater to me and some of the reason is the texture. Shrimp for example, I kind of actually like the taste but the texture makes me nauseaus. Cooked carrots make me gag and I haven’t drank milk since I was 6 months old, honest to god, ask my mom. 🙂

I’m sensitive to lights as well. The refresh rates on monitors make me crazy as well as florescent lights. Refresh rate on monitor under florescent lights = murder. I deal with this at work every day and I hate it.

I always thought I was broken or stupid or something with all these sensitivities but now I know other people have them too and that makes me feel a lot better. I’ve been able to take tips from others to make myself as comfortable as possible.

A simple day can leave me mentally and physically exhausted. I was always frustrated with myself because I’d watch other women come home after working and cook a nice dinner for their families, do the dishes, take care of other household chores and seem perfectly content to not settle down until 8 or 9 pm. This simply will not work for me, I’ve found myself angered and near tears just trying to force myself to do what normal women seem to just do naturally. On work nights ‘making dinner’ consists of either popping something in the oven or making something that you heat up on the stove. I save all my really good cooking for the weekends. I also save my chores for the weekends now. Laundry, any and all cleaning. The only chore we do on weeknights is our Thursday trip to the grocery store and that’s because the store is far too busy on the weekends to suite my tastes. After a days work I need a chance to be myself and let all the stress and noises and overloads fall away. My hubby and I usually spend our weeknights playing computer games together and stuff.

A lot of people wonder if we (Aspies) wish that we were “normal” and I have to say that sometimes I do wish I was normal. I wish I knew what to say, I wish I could do things on work nights. But then again, I’m not sure. I feel very in touch with my inner self. I love to learn and gather information. It doesn’t take much to entertain me and I don’t know that without AS I would have my musical gift. I feel like my musical gift stems from my being very in tune with myself. Being “normal” doesn’t seem like anything special to me. Sometimes I feel like I’m ‘better’ than normal people because I don’t rely on social interration to give me my worth. I don’t need much of anything to keep me satisfied with life, I’m simple.

Knowing about AS has made me realize my worth in spite of my weaknesses. I’m ‘different’ and often it’s the different people in our society that make big impacts. Look at Albert Einstein, Beethoven, Bill Gates. They’re ‘different’, ‘eccentric’ and ‘odd’. Maybe I won’t make the impact they have on the world but maybe, just maybe I will. If anything the label has taken my sence of helplessness and turned it into a sence of curiousity and pride. I can proclaim that I’m unique, I’ve never really cared too much what people think of me despite some of the efforts I’ve made to fit in. But now I totally don’t care, I don’t even try to fit in anymore. I’m an individual, I stand out and for once I’m not ashamed.

My biggest hope for everyone with AS is that they’re able to be proud of who they are and I hope that together we can change the world’s view of people who are ‘different’ so that our children and our childrens children can live in a world where differences are treasured and valued instead of teased and punished.