Happy New Year
After some thought since my last entry I think I would like to make one of those resolution thingys. 🙂 I’ve been down on myself for a long time. I honestly thought moving up here would be a new start for me but so far it’s just been more of the same old crap. By the time I left Oklahoma I had gotten so used to everything that I had forgotten how to care about anything but myself and what I wanted. I had become a very self-centered, confident young adult.
Coming up here put the fear of entering the world back in me all over again. Once again I had to learn how to fit in with society. Believe it or not people here are a lot different from people in Oklahoma. I’ve often referred to it as almost a different culture before. Very different.
I lost myself when I moved up here and I’m just now starting to get myself back. My three years here I’ve become very dependent on my husband. I’ve lost my sence of self and I even forgot what I used to enjoy doing. My husband leaving the house for school left me wondering what to do with myself. I’d become dependent on him being there to entertain me. I was utterly lost without him. I realized something had to give here.
Growing up as an only child left me alone quite often. I was a latchkey kid and I didn’t mind it one bit. I never had a desire to play with other kids or make friends anyway so it was never a problem for me to entertain myself. I was always hanging out alone. High school brought me a couple friends but they were usually unable to go out because of strict parents. I’d spend hours in coffee shops reading, listening to local musicians play and stuff. Occasionally I’d meet a friend there or I’d pick some friends up to go driving around or shopping with. Most of my time though was spent in solitude especially once my parents had another baby. To find myself dependent on another person for entertainment or anything for that matter kind of leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. Whatever happened to that freespirited stay out all night loner?
My resolution is to get that old me back. I want to return to the person I used to be. Things are different now I know, I’m married and I have more responsibilities but too long have I let those responsibilities rule my life. I can go out and play pool, drink beer and stay up till midnight on a work night! I’m an adult now, I shouldn’t feel more restricted now than I did when I was a teenager. Amazing isn’t it? How we put tighter restrictions on ourselves than our parents did and don’t think twice about it. If my parents had put restrictions on me as tight as I have on myself I would have tried running away from home a lot more than the once. 🙂