Frustrated

Ugh, I’m starting to feel depressed again. It’s just stress though. I’m so fucking stressed out and anxious. Everything feels worse. I’m tired, I have a tension headache, I’m not motivated. I’m neglecting the house and stuff, I mean, our house is so fucking messy it’s starting to smell and that’s really embarrassing. I just don’t have the motivation to just get up and clean it. I get started on something and I just can’t, I just go sit my ass down in front of the TV. I’ve given up the one hobby I was starting to enjoy too, my cross-stitch. I suck at it. I started a new one and screwed it up within the first hour. Sometimes I feel like I just can’t do anything right!

*sigh*

In addition, or maybe because I’m anxious my Acid Reflux has gotten worse. I’m starting to have problems with it on a daily basis. I’m starting to get food stuck in my throat again too. I can’t eat anything kinda dry because it just won’t go down, it hangs there and causes a panic attack. I’m thinking about trying Prilosec but I can’t swallow pills whole so I don’t know if I can use it. The stuff I read online said that you have to swallow the pills while. I’ve never been able to swallow pills. Boy, that was a cause of conflict when I was a kid. Any time I got sick a fight ensued between me and my mother when I wanted to crunch up the pill.

I don’t know what’s causing this, it’s worse when I’m alone. Like tonight, hubby has class so I’m going to be all alone. I can be happy and do stuff, like making the pumpkin pie and stuff when he’s around to talk to and laugh with but when left to my own devices all I can do is sit around waiting for him to come home. I never used to be like this.

I’ve just got to snap out of it. It may not sound like it but I’m happy. My life is going alright, I should be excited and happy and stuff. It just feels like a downward spiral. I’m going to try to clean up some of the house tonight. Maybe that’ll make me feel better or something.

and of course it doesn’t fucking help anything when people call me on the fucking phone and fucking yell at me!!!!!!!!!!! ARGH!! Someone please, just fucking kill me or something. I have to go now.

EDIT: Okay, on that last paragraph. Marlene called me and accused me of two mistakes in the directory. One was pretty much my fault although she could have done a better job on submitting the change and it wouldn’t have gotten missed. The second wasn’t my fault at all, it was all her and she wouldn’t listen to me when I tried to explain that to her. The conversation ended with her saying I would admit to both changes and send her an e-mail with that and the date I will fix the problems. I gave my desk a good pounding and cried for a good half hour. Then both my hubby and co-worker listened to the problem and helped me come up with a solution. I apologized for my mistake and sent the message I originally received from Marlene pointing out her mistake in the e-mail with her boss and my boss both copied in on the e-mail. This is not what Marlene wanted. She wanted me to admit to both mistakes but instead I pointed out her mistake to her boss. She wanted me to send the e-mail to just her first and said she would forward it to her boss. I’m almost 100% positive she wouldn’t have sent the e-mail to her boss if it pointed out her mistake. She didn’t want to be held responsible for this, she was trying to manipulate me and it didn’t work. I have a feeling I will see her wrath but fuck her, I’m in the right here. At least I’m not afraid to admit to the mistake I made, it’s time she stood up like an adult and admitted that she made one.