Feeling Better & a Rant

Ah, so, I’m feeling so much better this morning. I could tell when I woke up yesterday that I was on the mend and today I feel almost normal. I’m babying my voice as much as I can to be sure not to strain it while my throat has been sore. It’s still a little scratchy, so I’m going to talk as little as possible today. We’re supposed to hit up a show tonight, so my husband is going to love it when I say “text me everything so I don’t have to yell over the music.”

Supposed to have a guitar lesson tomorrow. It’s actually been like 4 months since I’ve actually had a guitar lesson. We try to get together every week but we’re having a seriously bad run of luck. He’s teaching me out of the kindness of his heart though, so I try to be really patient and not complain. I can’t really afford to pay for a reliable teacher. So, I use online resources to work on my own when we can’t get together and we work one on one on things I need help through and on things he thinks are important. It’s working and somehow I’m managing to progress faster than average. The first time I played live at the pub other guitar players couldn’t believe I’d only been playing for a year. So, while it’s frustrating that it’s so hard to get time with my teacher I’m still really happy.

So, I really don’t want to bitch about my Dad, that feels like too much where I left off on here in 2003. See, okay, for those new to my life, my Dad is a drug addict, has been since before I was born. He’s been in and out of my life for my entire life because he’s been in and out of prison. He got clean for awhile (a total of about 8 years) and I lived with him as a teenager (for about 3 years). Then, when I was 20 or so he started the pattern all over again. Well, about 9 years ago he got busted because he had built a Meth Lab in my Grandmother’s Den. She was unable to move about the house much, so she never got out to that part of the house. He was supposed to be living with her in order to take care of her. Well, one night, the cops busted the front door down, stressing my Grandmother (whose hospital bed was in the living room), they arrested my Dad and then later that night my Grandmother passed away.

Honestly, how could I not be pissed at my Dad for this?

I haven’t spoken to him in this time aside from one letter while he was in prison. I answered his first letter and told him that I didn’t _hate_ him, but that I didn’t like him very much and didn’t want him in my life anymore. I’ve spent my entire life being kind and patient and forgiving him over and over. I’m exhausted of it. It sucks when the only time you can relax is when your Dad is in prison because that’s the only time you don’t have to worry about what he’s getting up to.

He’s out of prison now and he wrote me awhile back on Facebook asking me for my new phone number. I told him no. I told him if he wants contact with me it can stay via email or not at all. I’m trying to keep him at arms length without totally being an asshole and just cutting him off like the rest of the family has. I could, and probably should, just be an asshole. Anyway, this morning I have a snippy message from him. Right, because I’m the shitty person here? Ugh. I love how he always acts like nothing is ever his fault. He basically sealed it with that and with his arrogance, I’m done with him. I have my pub family now, they’re not blood related, but they’ve been more caring and supportive of me in ONE YEAR than he ever was in the 37 years I’ve been on this earth. Even when my Dad was in my life he was selfish and everything was always about him. He’d do something for me just so he could brag about what a great Dad he was.

Anyway, hopefully that’ll be my only Dad rant.