Anxiety Part 2

I’ve always been afraid of being home alone though, even before the time I started feeling like a target, before I started getting teased in school and stuff. The way my mom talked about how I shouldn’t let anyone know I was home alone, and I should never open the door for anyone. I learned how people will dress up as mailman or repairman so they look like trustworthy people and will get let in. It made me feel like I couldn’t trust anyone. I would hide in my room and cry when someone even knocked on the door when I was home alone. I was terrified of even looking out the window. I don’t know if I was just a freak or maybe I watched too many shows I shouldn’t have, that and my moms warnings about dangerous people. I started watching horror movies by like age 7 with my grandma. At age 9 I would have told you my favorite writer was Stephen King. I was reading his books and watching his movies. I also watched Cops and Rescue 911 with my mom. Horror movies did scare the hell out of me. I’d lay in bed with my head covered at night, terrified that some monster was going to get me. I didn’t want anyone to know though, I would have never admitted it. My dad would gripe at my grandma “Dammit, don’t let her watch this shit”. He’d say and she’d say it didn’t bother me and I’d nod and say “Yeah, dad, it doesn’t bother me, I’m fine”. My grandma wouldn’t have let me watch anything scary if she’d known how much it affected me when the lights went out. I think I should have stuck to movies intended for 9 year olds. 🙂 I don’t care so much for horror movies anymore, they still give me the creeps sometimes, but more than anything I just find them boring and predictable.

*shrug* I need to do what I said I was going to do and go buy a book on anxiety. I know that’s my biggest problem. Every psychiatrist and psychologist I’ve ever had told me we needed to work on my anxiety, that I needed to calm down and quit worrying. They’d give me technique’s to use, but none of them really worked. One, I do still use but I use it more to help myself fall asleep when I’m having a bit of insomnia. I think I’m more anxious now than I’ve been in my entire life. I start worrying and pacing if my hubby is even 10 minutes late getting home, in my mind the worst possible scenario has occurred and I’ll never see him again. I know, in my mind that I’m being ridiculous, I can sit there and tell myself “Self, you’re being retarded” but I can’t stop the anxiety I feel even so. It feels like it’s gotten out of control. I feel like if I could fix my anxiety problem I would be able to deal with everything else. At least I feel like I know now what I need to talk about when I do find a psychologist around here. In the past when I’ve gone I was forced to go by my parents. I didn’t WANT to talk to them so I didn’t really. I answered questions in as few words as possible, I didn’t offer anything up. Most of them gave up on me, you can’t help someone that doesn’t want help. I’m still not quite ready to commit myself to going. I want to do some more reading first. I’ll have a lot of time to read in the car on our trip so I should try to get to Border’s next weekend. Maybe after we get back I’ll be ready.

Anyway, another hour and a half until hubby gets home. I feel pretty relaxed right now, sitting here typing helps. My body feels really tired and relaxed. I think I’ll sit back and watch the TV, after this show is over I’ll go visit the kittens until hubby gets home. When hubby gets home he will tell me about his class and we’ll watch the History Channel, I’ll fall asleep by 11 and he’ll be asleep by midnight. We’re so predictable. 🙂