8/28/03

Okay, third entry today. Sometimes I think I write too much.

I’m feeling a little bit better despite the fact that I still haven’t been paid and still have no idea if I will be.

That would be because I just scored tomorrow off and had a laugh with my boss. I asked her if CMS isn’t fixed by the end of the day if I could stay home to do my emind courses and she said sure. She’s staying home tomorrow as well, she apparently has a 6am online course to attend. Ick.

I mentioned that I’d finished the MSWord course I had started and she asked my opinion of it. I told her I had actually learned a couple things from it and that I thought it was okay but that it was in serious need of some more flexibility and it was annoying somewhat. Then I mentioned that I’d moved on to a course on Social Etiquette and Communication in the workplace. I figured that one would be good for me as I know I’m lacking in that department. Her and I have discussed some of my Communication flaws. I’ve been trying to fix them, best I can. Matter of fact a few weeks ago she complimented me on the way I handled Michele when she was pissed off and in the wrong. It made me feel good to know I had taken constructive critism and turned around and fixed a problem.

I have a hard time with constructive critism. Used to, I would think “Yeah, well, what do you know.” or “Screw you, I’m not changing”. I’ve tried really hard to turn that attitude around and look at myself from the other persons point of view. Seeing my flaws in character and personality in a realistic manner. It’s hard. I’ve always had a hard time accepting that I have flaws but I’m working on it. I grew up thinking I had to be perfect. My mom punished me for any tiny little mistake I made. Even forgetting my house key resulted in a “If this ever happens again you’re grounded for a week!!” I thought I had to be perfect, mistakes were evil, horrible things.

I’m not perfect, no one is, I’m not always right. I’m not the smartest person in the entire world, the coolest, the best. I am just a human being doing my best to get by, I make mistakes, I don’t know everything and that’s perfectly okay.

As a kid I hated to be helped too. People would offer to lend a hand and I’d get pissed off. “I can do it myself, I’m not stupid.” I would say. I don’t do that anymore. I only say no to help if it’s something I really want to figure out on my own like a puzzle of some sort or something tricky.

*laughs*

I guess all in all I’m a pretty weird person.

I’ve been seriously considering finding and seeing a psychologist. I know that I probably should. I know that I have things to work through that are leftover from childhood. I have things to work through from myself and my own way of looking at myself and life. But then again, I don’t know if I can talk to someone like that. It’s easy to come here and type out things that make me feel vulnerable because I’m hiding behind a computer monitor. There’s only so much you can do for yourself though…reading, self-diagnosis, thinking, typing. Sometimes it helps for someone to say to you, “here’s the thing…and…lets try doing this and we can talk about it next week”. It’s hard though, I can sit here and say to myself “Girl, you’ve got some issues”. But it’s hard to sit down in someone’s office and admit it. That’s the biggest step I think. I also think it’s a step I need to take, and I’m going to, when I’m feeling a little more ready.

For now, I’m going to close my OD and stop writting so damn much!! 🙂