3/22/04

So, things are going pretty well. Last week my therapist had me get ahold of my general practitioner to discuss medications. I did and he started me on Zoloft. I’ve been on that for three days and so far haven’t had any problems. The very first time I took it, about a half hour after I took it I got a sudden, very intense wave of nausea that lasted for about thirty seconds or so and kind of made me panic because I was riding in the car on the way to the grocery store! But it passed and nothing like that has happened since. I don’t really know if the nausea was due to the med or just a strange coincidence.

Over the weekend we went to the Bronx zoo with my old co-worker and his wife. It was chilly but we had a lot of fun.

Not a lot planned for this week, but I’m thinking about starting to plan out my return to work. I’m starting to feel better in general just because I feel like everything is under control now. I’m seeing a therapist, I’m taking medication that’s supposed to help with my anxiety, I applied for financial aid and am registering for summer classes provided I either get that or a student loan. I feel like things are back in control. I don’t know if I’m really 100% ready to go back to work yet, but I think so. I needed this break to get back in control and that’s exactly what I’ve done. But I worry, will I get into work and sit down only to find all I can do is stare at my monitor? That’s all I could do when I left, I couldn’t work, if something happened, or someone asked for something they needed immediately and it forced me to work I cried or cut at my wrists until I could force myself to do it. I felt like my life had spiraled out of my control. I was miserable at work, miserable at home and nothing could fix it. That’s why I went on disability. But I’m happy at home now, and I feel like I could be okay at work. I just don’t know for sure though, and that’s what scares me. I don’t know if all those feelings will come rushing back when I get to work. *shrug* That’s the point I’m at now, unsure. I want to go back because the longer I’m out the more catching up I’ll have to do and stuff, there’s no one there that knows how to do what I do. No one to cover for me at all. I also want to go back because I only have two more weeks left with 80% of my pay. After the two weeks are up it drops to 50%. But I worry about those feelings I had before coming back. *sigh* Anyway, I’m rambling. I told myself yesterday I was going to work on tidying up the house today so I’m going to go do that.