Intro

i am not really good at writing, i honestly i am not good at this. well, even in uttering my words really hard for me to construct. my thoughts when i speak or write come out differently or i dont know it seems empty. not empty it just that i cannot express what i wanted to say and i dont know, i feel like theres a wall behind my thoughts or i am not in focus, i really dont know honestly. and when i read my writings it feels like i am reading nothing like i dont understand what i am writing, it is so stressful dealing with this problem of me reading my own words. i type what my thoughts in my brain wants me to say now. okay i can really do this. just type what it comes in your head. go with the flow. do not think just write it all down and just do not care if you have some grammatical errors who cares about my spelling? nobody does because i am invisible and no one is reading this. it just me. and i am free what i wanted to say. i feel good now. wow i feel good. expressing my feelings making my thoughts into words feels amazing! i forgot to introduce myself, my name is… just call me irr. i am female, isnt it obvious ? my profile says so that i am hehe so obvious right.. so anyway i am 38 years old and yeah i feel like i am not mentally there. it seems like my brain is stuck in a age of i dunno. i feel so stupid now. i hate myself for being me. childish and still dependent to my parents. i do not have a job but i did had before after i graduated my job is guidance counselor and after that i become an hr. then i quit because i am lazy as fuck. and my life is a mess! ive become a bad person really bad person. i lied and do stupid things.  i dont want to write it in details because i do not want to remember what i did. my past .. i jus..i do not want to talk abou tit. i dont know if i will come back here to write again. i feel alone. i have no friends, oh .. i got one and she is helping me now financially because i do not know why shes still want to be with me i mean weve been really close friends. and theres this drastic changes between us but still we depend on each other or i depend on her mostly cos shes all i got and i think she does feel the same because she dont have anyone else or i do not know. i do not want to talk about her here. anyway, i wish i could find someone here that could be my friend. cos i really need a friend online to chat and i do not care if its a girl or a guy or lesbians or gays i do not care as long they like me then i would really like that you know.. its 10:27 pm by the way i am not okay now thats why i am here.. my business got bankrupt and i got debts lotta debts. i wanted to do business again prolly online. i tried tho but its hard looking for the right client to buy my products it sucks really and i really want to have a stable income to help me. i really wish i win lotto. please universe hear me out. God help me please. oh i am so depressed and angry all the time. i should stop now , i think this is a waste of time and i wouldnever come back here . this is again an online where i am invisible so yeah i .. will stop now and i dont know if i come back here again.