wish list!

I woke up with my one and only staring at me. Waiting for me, like a hungry cat in the morning!  I let him crawl into my ear and weave his way into my brain. He settled in nicely!

I had to take Noah to school. The drive was not pleasent! I wasn’t really present! Not a good situation, as I learned last night! Luckily I held it together and got Noah to school safely. Next stop was work to pick up Isaac and take him to school. Luckily I got him to school safely. After that was the coffee house. Luckily I got myself there safely. Not long after that I headed back to Isaac’s school to pick him up, (he has half days) and take him back to where I work, which is where his mom works. Then I stayed put for a bit and talked with Darya. I could have went home and pleased Yarnie for a while, but I didn’t. I left work because it wasn’t time for me to work, and went to a random ass store. I bought a dress, I wanted to buy three, plus some shoes and sunglasses, but I didn’t! Finally I went to work.(again but for real work)

Now,  I say I avoided the Yarnie voice, but really I just gave in in another way. He has several voices, all that tell me to do things I shouldn’t be doing. Binge/purge, restrict, self harm, hate…ect!

Sure I avoided the binge/purge voice. But I was really listining to the restrict voice.

I want back that low weight so bad. Yarnie wants back that low weight. If he dosen’t want me happy, then why does he tell me I will be happy at that low weight. I know its all bullshit. I know it won’t really make me happy. But it dosen’t stop me from wanting it. I’d rather be unhappy and at my low weight than be unhappy at a higher weight. If Im going to be unhappy either way, why can’t I just do it in a more comfortable way? I wasn’t healthy then, and Im not healthy now, so it dosent seem to matter. It could have killed me then, and it could kill me now, so why not. why not go back to the low weight?

I want to feel all my bones protrude again. I want the complete empty feeling. I want everything that comes along with the low weight. I don’t care if it hurts to sit, or to lie down, I don’t care if Im constantly exhausted, If Im always cold. I don’t care if I look grey! I don’t care if  my hair falls out, or if my potasium is low. None of that matters. I just want to be at my low weight again! Thats all I can think about right now.

I know it will not solve a damn thing. I know all of that already! Been there, done that, but I still really want it!

My stomach is hungry, and Im pleased with that feeling! Its the way things should be! Its a confirmation! 

I want the scale to please me. Impossible, I know, but at this time I can say that any number on the scale that has decreased from the day before is a good thing! Then I will know Im headed in a comfortable direction!