Weather, numbers, and weather. Oh my

The weather was complete shit today.

Thats a boring way to start an entry, but I had nothing else. I have felt rather blank, for lack of a better word. See, I can’t even think of a word. I don’t know why I came here to write. I have been meaning to for days now, but I’d think about it and come up with nothing. I’m still coming up short. I havn’t really felt much, one way or another, about anything really. Perhaps its just boredom. I feel so bored with everything. I havn’t really been working on any art, I havn’t had anything to write about, I havn’t been reading much. I feel like I’m stuck in a puddle of nothing. I feel like the only thing that I have been interested in as of lately is nothing. I’m staring at the screen hoping for anything.

Its March. I’m blaming the month now. I don’t like March. But if I had to pick one thing to like, it would be that March is a three.

I’m sick of numbers though. Its never ending. But its like numbers are the one last thing I have to control. Which is bullshit anyway.

I got to see some of the people I used to work with last week…..but I didn’t really care. That makes me sound like an asshole. I don’t mean to be an asshole. I saw Ada, who I adore. It was her birthday the day before. I forgot about her birthday..until I was reminded. She ended up giving me some left over birthday cake to share with people. Instead I took it all home for myself, ate it, then purged it. I felt like an even bigger ass after that. How pathetic. Thats not an okay thing to do, yet I did it. I know I would do it again. I am just being honest. I will continue to do stupid shit like that until I am fully ready to let go of my ed.

I hate admitting that I am not fully ready to let go of my eating disorder. It makes me feel dumb. I am taking steps towards recovery, but its not enough, and I know that. I guess I’m doing it on purpose. I have the choice to take bigger steps, but I’m chosing not to. I didn’t choose to have an eating disorder, but I am choosing to hold on to it. So why choose to hold onto something you never chose to have in the first place. Why choose to hold onto an illness. Its so twisted. My illness is my comfort…but I’m sick of the sickness.

I’m sick of me. But I’m stuck with me. I have to find a way to accept me in order not to feel stuck with me. I fear that I will never find a way to accept myself….

I’m leaving the above (started) paragrah unfinished. Its been a few days and I don’t know how to finish it.

I had a bad morning this morning. I’m not sure how many times I srepped on and off the scale. It was a stupid amount. I guess I don’t want to beleive the number. I guess I don’t always trust the number. On off, on off, on off. Move the sale, slide it this way, turn it to a different angle, pick up the scale, put it back down, step on it again. All in hopes the number will change and tell me something I prefer. I know its crazy. I still do it anyway.

I can’t seem to even trust my own numbers. What i mean by that, is when I count (and I’m always counting) I don’t trust that I count correctly. I honestly don’t know if I am counting in sequence anymore. I will feel like I miss numbers and jump ahead….1.2.3.4.5.6.7.8.9.10.11…22.23.23….which makes me feel the need to start over from the begining. I may not even be skipping numbers, I don’t know. Unfortionately I didn’t come equiped with a number counter corrector in my brain.

Odd numbers. Everything needs to be odd numbers.

I have mentioned that I am tired of numbers? Well let me say it again, because that would make it three times that I have mentioned it. I am tired of numbers.

(I had to go back to the begining to check if I did infact mention it already…and yes…I did…and yes, I am rolling my eyes, and want to bang my head on the wall three times)

Lets take a step away from the numbers…

Today, after my very scale kind of morning…I purged. Nothing new. This afternoon, I went to to an al-anon meeting. I didn’t talk, I just listined.

I had to take Francois to the vet today. I wanted to have his gums and teeth checked out finally. Poor kitty. He has to stay over night there. 🙁 He will have to be sedated so the vet can actually look at his gums. I don’t know to much else for now. I know that he is getting big though. He is now a little over 12lbs. He is seven months old, and is still growing. He isn’t fat, he is just going to be a big cat apparently. I also know that I already miss him 🙁 I won’t be able to pick him up from the vet until 7pm tomorrow….well technically today, as it is tomorrow as of now. (and as if that made any sense) I don’t want to wait that long to pick him up. I feel so bad. I know he is okay, and will be okay, I’m being a big baby. But he is like my baby, and I just want to be there for him. He is probably scared. I left him with my blanket and a teddy bear, because yes, I am that lame. Here is another lame bit, I made a label for the cat crate that says "Francois le chat" in colorful letters.

I fear for my elderly future…If I make it to my elderly future.

I met some friends at the coffee shop this evening. It was nice. We met close the coffee shops closing time, so we didn’t get to talk for too long.

I’m glad winter is now over, but It would be better if it actually felt like winter was over. I am so over the cold. I was over the cold the day after christmas.

And this is where I will end things. May as well begin the entry with weather, and end it with weather.

All’s weather ends weather…thats not my motto.